Things our Kids Should Know (Before College 2030)

My friend, Shane, posted an article about things your kids should know before they brave it alone in college. His list is quite good for general life skills and interpersonal relationships, however, Shane failed to assess how technology is going to change our kids’ college experience. As a new dad I think about this constantly to the point of my wife saying, “I get it! Robots are going to take over everything! We heard you!”

Our college experience is going to look like the Old West compared to what our kids are going to interact with.  Did you go spittoon or horse shopping with your parents at Bed Bath and Beyond before heading to the dorms? No? Well they did. It’s up to parents to prepare their kids for the upcoming changes in technology while they are still allowed to raise them.

Here’s a supplemental list of what your kids should know before going to college in 2030:

Take off your Augmented Reality Glasses when you Meet New People

It may seem advantageous to see someone’s name floating over their head or be able to quickly browse a list of their worst fears, but just because everyone’s doing it doesn’t make it cool. Impress people by remembering their names with your brain.  Ask people questions and actually listen for the answer instead of checking your feeds while the vocal processor does the work. It may take a lot of mental gymnastics but after some practice you’ll be able to carry the conversation without the need to select from a list of popular questions or answers.

Have a conversation without recording it

Remember to sometimes have a conversation off the record. It’s nice to know your speaking skill level and vocabulary statistics and compare them with friends, but take the time to enjoy the freedom to say things that won’t be analyzed. You’ll be surprised at what you can come up with! Bring your friends to a place well away from Listening Stations like in an abandoned building or a in the sewer. Keep your AR Glasses close by in case of robot attack.

Avoid foods with Nanoparticles

It may seem fun to have all of your calories automatically tracked your food and drinks categorized for optimal ingestion everyday, but be bold and eat an apple off of a wild tree or a fish from a pond that hasn’t been incorporated by Google Wildlife Tracker. The nanoparticles can stay in your body for years and may come back to haunt you.  And I understand that you’ll eventually try alcohol, but be different and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon (the only beer not yet laden with nanoparticles).

Exercise without your Tracking Bug

Certainly you’ll want to maintain your mandated daily exercise quota (in order to earn your food rations), but once and awhile, get out and have fun without the nagging need to constantly be filling your Energy Meter. Run up a hill, bike to class, or climb up the side of a building (just to feel something again) – and don’t worry about tracking it! Just be sure to do to look out for Google Compliance Drones before braving such an adventure.

Learn how to Build Something with your Hands

Sure, 3D printing is an important part of our daily lives. What would we do without the ability to print our a picnic table or a set of ninja stars in a few minutes? Where would we go when a murderous robot demands parts in exchange for your life? There are things we need at the press of a button, but take some time to make something on your own from wood, metal, or paper (if legal in your area). Your friends will make fun of you but just remember you can always print out a life size replica of them and humiliate them by leaving it in the college commons, as long as your robot doesn’t tell on you.

Go out without your RFID

It’s impossible to get a fake ID anymore but when you’re of age, try going to a townie bar where they will check your ID manually. Sure it’s a hassle to carry physical identification around but they won’t check to see if you have enough surplus food rations so you might be able to have a good time. Some bars will still take cash (if you’re able to barter for some) so your transactions won’t go into your Google Wallet Permanent History. Also, professors won’t be able to see what you were up to last night unless you were drinking something other than PBR.

Your Personal Defense Drone is for Defense ONLY

It’s not for spying on your girlfriend / boyfriend! It’s not to be used to remotely view your lessons or to prove your suspicions that “Kendra is a whore” (that’s what Facebook is for now). It is only to be used to record your every movement in case the authorities need to corroborate your actions/location for an alibi.

Go Sans Robot

Robots are a great invention but you don’t always have to let them read your lessons to you or get your groceries. If you’re able to overpower your robot, reach inside of its brain and switch it off. This may end in your death but if you’re victorious can end with a few moments of peace so you can study or relax. Either way your Defense Drone will record the entire encounter and play it back for the robot so it will be more prepared next time.

Be able to Read a Compass

Always know the direction of Mountain View. Remember to Praise our Great Leader 3 times a day. Praise Google!

Fitness Cyborg (Nike FuelBand Review)

All I asked for on my birthday was for cybernetic parts. My loving wife agrees with my desire to become more like a robot and says it would be “quite the improvement” so she encourages the activity.  She bought me a Nike FuelBand ahead of my birthday so I could try it out in a half marathon.

The Nike FuelBand is pretty much what I expected; it’s a great motivation to get up and move around. However, with great expectations comes great responsibility. Here’s how it works.

After carefully unboxing your FuelBand (and posting the video online) you hook it up to a computer. Here, the FuelBand collects all of your personal information; weight, height, passwords, address, a list of your fears, and bank account numbers. Once it’s done mining your data you strap it on your wrist. Once it is locked in place you can never take it off.

The Nike FuelBand is really fun!  It captures and collects your every mechanical movement and turns it into “Fuel”. You earn Fuel by walking, running, jogging in place, or spasticly waving to people from your car. The Fuel is stored in your FuelBand and increases during the day as you move around. As you get closer to your goal, a progress bar fills up and begins to turn green. Your Fuel totals are uploaded to the Internet where it is scrutinized and judged by data miners.

But then it gets weird.

Every night at midnight, the Goddess Nike travels around the world to drain and collect Fuel from all of her active conscripted soldiers. During “The Reaping” if you have reached your daily point quota the Goddess will bless you, granting you sweet dreams and smiles upon you and your loved ones. However, if you failed to collect enough Fuel, she will punish by taking your soul and possessing your body. You don’t want that. Either way she will take all of your Fuel at midnight and you get to start over collecting Fuel for her the next day.

The Goddess Nike is the Greek goddess of victory, often depicted in ancient drawings with wings and sweet running shoes. She uses your FuelBand Fuel to wage her wars on Earth and set victories to those individuals and nations who actively offer up the most Fuel.  She’s also been instrumental in rigging elections, causing end-of-game touchdowns, and granting argument winning power against significant others.

Since I’ve been using Nike Running (which also earns Fuel) for the past 4 years, I was grandfathered in to the Nike Goddess’ Fuel program.  In fact, I’ve earned enough Fuel to fully fund an a Nuclear Submarine and two M1 Abrams tanks. The Fuel I’ve earned has also saved me the embarrassment of not finishing last in my age group in a 10k. Thanks Goddess Nike!

You’ll learn to love your new life under the Goddess’ rule. However, you’ll be asked to give up many of the ways of your former life. No longer can you sit idly around when there are Fuel points to collect. Constant activity is your new life. It may sound like a stressful life sentence, but with the right attitude, your FuelBand and Nike can help you lead a long and rewarding life.

Here are some tips to avoid having your soul ripped from your corporeal body.

• The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, so throw away your Garmin, because that’s the route you’re going to take. Throw away your car while you’re at it because driving it could mean the loss of your soul. You’ll find your route to work is much more of an adventure when you’re climbing over buildings and navigating the dividing wall of the highway. Your trip to get the milk may take two hours as you jump over fences, get chased by a dog, and swim across a pond (disclaimer: Nike FuelBand is not recommenced for swimming). Be sure to carry the milk in your non-FuelBand hand to assure you swing out all of the necessary Fuel. Everyone will think you’ve taken up the spastic sport of Free Running, but rest assured that you‘re enslaved to serve a higher power.
• Avoid meetings.  If you must attend a meeting, you’ll need to find ways to stay active during a meeting. Participation is key. Stand up and make wide, sweeping gestures to make your point. If you can, prepare a power point presentation. Be sure your presentation includes plenty of exciting screens that will warrant your constant air punching and cart wheels.
• The Goddess Nike hates reading. Say goodbye to curling up with a good book and and a blanket. If you must read, audio books are an option but only if your listening sessions are also accompanied by constant jumping jacks.
• Avoid air travel. If you’re your pressed with a deadline and unable to reach your destination in a reasonable amount of time, air travel may be permitted. While the seatbelt light is on you can stay active by doing fist pumps from your seat. When the seatbelt light is finally turned off you’ll want to go up to the front of the plane, grab to mic, and rock the passengers with a song and air guitar.
• Cooking will help keep you active, but take advice from Emeril who is a Grand Master Nike Fuel member and sits on the high council at the Parthenon. Only cook exciting foods and keep adding seasoning with your own trademarked catchphrase.
• Unless you can destroy your inner couch potato, the Nike Goddess will take your soul. So if you’re going to catch a TV show, get up and stand on the couch. Jump on the couch. The floor is made of lava all the time. You can jump from couch to couch but I would recommend installing monkey bars and swinging ropes in order to maximize your movement throughout the house. Your house is now a ninja gym.

The Nike FuelBand is also a watch.

Target Robot Machine

Here is a letter I wrote to the Target Robot Machine:

 

The Target Robot Machine generated an automated response:

Interesting that they give names to different sectors of their servers.  I’m glad the Robot Machine wasn’t able to crack the captcha code, which would indicate that had become self aware.  Score one for the humans!  This time…

Corn Starch Ants

I recently read that cornmeal can kill ants.  Ants think cornmeal is extremely tasty and finding it is a rare treat.  They bring it back to the nest by the truckload where it is enjoyed by all.  Unfortunately they can’t digest it and it makes them really bloated so they can’t escape the ant hole anymore to get real food.  Then they all die. It would be like you finding a large bag of Taco Bell on the sidewalk and bringing it in to the office for all of your coworkers to enjoy.  Sure you’re a temporary hero for bringing in food for the whole office, but productivity quickly drops from the digestion issues and food poisoning from the meat that was sitting in the sun.

Shortly after reading that article I found a colony of ants, precariously close to the house.  I went inside to see if I had cornmeal to try this trick, but I only had corn starch. “Corn is corn!” I said and brought the container of potential poison out to the ants.

I poured a thin line of corn starch in the obvious path of the ants between my house and their home.  Instantly I saw a traffic jam as the ants’ pheromone path was interrupted.  Also, the ants refused to cross over the mound to reach the other side, and began trying to find the long path around the white wall.  They wouldn’t eat the starch, but it certainly screwed up their routine.  When I saw they had connected the two sides I increased the length of the wall, forming the Great Wall of Corn Starch, indefinitely separating haploids from diploids and soldiers from their Queen.

Mildly satisfied with disrupting the colony’s production line, I went to go back inside to look for real poison when the curious neighbor kid came over to see what I was doing.  I explained to him how the pheromone trail worked because the ants can smell which way the food is (in my house).  “Neat!  I wanna smell it!”  He got down on his hands and knees to smell the trail.

“I wanna smell it too!” his brother jumped off of his big wheel and tried to smell the trail.

They both came up coughing, with white corn starch all over their faces.  “I don’t like ant smells!” said the older.  “It smells like burning!” said the younger.

Their mom came out of her garage and noticed her kids bothering me again.  “What are you guys doing over there?” she yelled.

“We’re smelling the ant lines that Dan showed us!” said the older kid, wiping his nose off and getting corn starch on his hands and shirt.

“It makes me feel funny!” the younger said, getting back on his big wheel, which he drove out into the street.

She looked horrified when she got a good look at their faces.  She started yelling at her kids to get away from my house.  That was good old fashioned parenting.  Her son screamed and ran wildly towards the house.  The younger kid was doing donuts in the street.  She walked closer to me and saw the Great Wall of Corn Starch.  I smiled proudly.

Then she started using cuss words at me, which was not very neighborly.  When she was done cussing, I told her that I was just experimenting when her kids came over and started asking questions.  I also told her how disappointed I was that her kids didn’t know about pheromone trails because I learned that when I was 6-year-old from Reading Rainbow.  She stared at me as if she had no idea what I was talking about, so I started to sing “Butterfly in the sky.”  I gestured for her to jump in when she recalled the words, “I can fly twice as high…”  Suddenly she punched me in the face.

That’s the last thing I remembered before waking up to a number of police cars and ambulances.  There was a lot of explaining to do.

Regulate Explained

It was clear black night in East Los Angeles. Warren was on his evening stroll. “Tonight I’m going to find a new girlfriend,” he said hopefully. As he perused the dark alleys for the future Mrs. G, Warren chanced upon a dice game. Warren loved to play dice in back alleys and he asked the fellas if he could play too.

Meanwhile, Nathan was cruising around looking for his friend, Warren. This was in a time before cell phones so the only way to find Warren was to drive around aimlessly. They didn’t even have AOL or Nate would have been able to read Warren’s away message. But Nate knew Warren and his unfortunate gambling addiction so he made straight for a back alley gambling district.

Nate glanced over and noticed that a car full of girls were checking him out. Golly, they were pretty, but Nate Dogg was on a mission. The girls were trying to get his attention and lost control of their vehicle. They crashed into some cardboard boxes and the side of a building. “Bros before hoes,” he said to himself as he left the scene of the accident.

The dice gambling guys didn’t want to let Warren play dice since they already had enough players. Instead they put a gun to his head and took his gold watch and rings and used them as a part of the gambling. There, in his own town, Warren thought he was going to die as a direct result of his gambling problem in dramatic irony.

Out of nowhere Nate Dogg appeared.  Nate Dogg didn’t recognize anyone except for Warren so he shot all of them without asking questions.  He unloaded his firearm into the people that were holding up his friend.  Nate beat them 10 against 1.  It would be a story to tell his grandchildren.  Warren thanked Nate for saving his life and gold things.  They picked through the bodies until all of the jewelry was recovered.

Killing people really gets a man’s libido going so Nate and Warren went back to the car accident to see if the girls were still there. Sure enough the girls were standing there in the middle of the street assessing their injuries and damage to the car.  The car had hit the building so hard that the engine failed.  They didn’t have cell phones so they couldn’t’ text their dads or boyfriends to help.

Warren and Nate politely introduced themselves to the ladies.  Warren understood Nate’s glance that he shouldn’t mention the fact that he had ran them off the road earlier.  Should they recognize him, they might have trouble with the police.  Still, Warren thought they should probably call the police to report the accident and get an ambulance in case anyone had neck injuries.  But Nate took control of the situation and told the ladies to load into his car.  They could get their car out of the side of a building tomorrow.  Warren was upset there weren’t enough seat-belts in the car for everyone so Nate and Warren each took two ladies in their cars.  “Buckle up ladies.  Safety First!” Warren said.  On the drive over Warren wondered if one of these ladies could be he new girlfriend.

When they arrived at the motel Nate suspiciously went to the bathroom while Warren tried to entertain the ladies by himself.  Warren wanted to impress the ladies as the scholarly musician he was.  He began explaining his new found philosophy on life called G-Funk.  “The rhythm is the base and the base is the treble.” he said.  The girls started to glance at each other.  One raised her eyebrow and the other started looking at her watch.  Warren was monopolizing the conversation and the girls and were regretting accepting the ride from these strangers.

Just then, Nate Dogg bursts from the bathroom, carrying drug paraphernalia.  “Who wants weed, bitches!” he exclaimed.  The girls ran to Nate and for the third time he was the hero of the evening.

Warren reflected on the evening and he was glad to have Nate as a friend.  After a tough night of regulating he could finally relax and enjoy himself.

Choosing where to have Baby (sic)

There are a lot of choices to make when you want to have a baby.  You can have a baby in a bathtub.  You can have a baby in the desert.   You can have a baby on a bungee jump.  Some creepy people even have a baby at their house.

We have chosen the “traditional” route and have decided to have Baby (sic) at a Hospital.  Notice the lack of the possessive pronoun preceding “Baby”.  I learned that hospitals do not use articles or possessive pronouns when talking about babies.  It’s all “Baby will sleep here.  Baby will go home with you after a couple days.  Baby will sound an alarm if it gets up and tries to walk out the doors.”  Never “The Baby” or “Your Baby”.  It is either because hospital workers are so overworked that they must ignore certain grammatical constants to save speaking time or that political correctness does not allow hospital workers to assign possession or ownership of another human.

We decided to tour both of our local baby factories before settling on a location.  We toured the Small Hospital and the Mega Hospital.

At Small Hospital the lady was very friendly, but our personal one-on-one tour turned into an eight-on-one tour where a couple of other couples were invited to go along.  The first other couple was cool because they didn’t talk the entire time. The second couple consisted of a 50-year-old woman, due in May, her husband, Paul Bunyan, and their two children, a boy and a girl under 4.  Legends never die, and Paul Bunyan was no exception adding to his resume his ability to impregnate a 50-year-old woman.  However, today the statuesque legend was obviously preoccupied with the fact that they wouldn’t let him bring his axe into the hospital so he couldn’t focus on the fact that his kids were running and screaming all over the place while our tour guide patiently explained exactly what would happen to those of us who have never had a baby before. All of us were intent on listening, but Paul obviously didn’t want to be there.

Paul finally spoke up later on in the tour when Timmy was chasing Emily around the birthing table with a speculum.  The boy crashed face first into the pull-out couch and stood up with a bloody forehead when Paul asked, “So where is the free coffee again? For the husbands?”.  His 50-year-old wife looked at him, incredulous, and then back to the tour guide.  “Actually,” she said, “where do we go to get car seats checked?”  Blood gushed from Timmy’s wound.  After your 3rd kid its probably a good time to get your car seats.  At first I wanted to curse at them, but I then I realized that I am in no way more qualified to fit a car seat to a giant Blue Ox.

Despite the distractions we really liked the Small Hospital, but we headed across the street for our appointment at the Mega Hospital.

At Mega Hospital we experienced a whirlwind tour of the facilities.  Mega Hospital opened a couple weeks ago so we had to excuse some of their dust.  Our guide quickly pointed out the features like, “Here is triage, here is where Baby gets born, here is where Baby gets to sleep, here is your emergency alarm bracelet that plays music when close to Baby that ensures it’s (your?) Baby, here is the menu and they might start up celebration dinners again but you can order a hotdog or whatever when Baby comes.  Any questions?”

She was really excited to tell us all about the technology of the facility but all I noticed was a haggard staff were in search of a break and treated each patient as a burden to their iPhone time.  We even saw a nurse balled up on the floor crying between two double doors because of too much work.  She was not supposed to be a part of the tour.  We also saw some cool dudes walking into the baby center, hats cocked, carrying a 12 pack of Bud Light into one of the delivery rooms.  The alarm sounded and some blue strobes started going off.  The tour lady yelled in her phone that someone was stealing a baby again!

One piece of technology the tour lady at Mega Hospital was especially excited to show us was the Big Blue Button that the husband, and only the husband, gets to push when Baby is born.  It would play a song to alert the entire hospital that you are a new dad!  I imagined myself lurking around the hospital, after hours of labor, giving sideways glances at the other husbands, letting them know that I was going to be the next dad and the next to push that button.  But then the tour lady pressed the button!!!  For a few seconds of my life, That Button was one of the few unique pleasures afforded to the modern man.  But when she pressed it, the magic of the button immediately disappeared and was cheapened to a hokey gimmick. I also expected a great triumphant fanfare as my first official act of fatherhood, but was disappointed that it played a soft, barely audible, lullaby. Lame.

It was then I remembered that Small Hospital said we could bring anything to their hospital as long as it wasn’t fire.  No candles or campfires (I asked).  So I added a Staples Easy Button to our Baby Go Bag.  When the baby is born I get to push the button and declare myself as the father!  “That was Easy!” I will exclaim at the top of my lungs.  I will also yell about how great the staff is at Small Hospital and thank them for realizing that you can’t replace good people with technology.

I will also yell about how wonderful my wife is to the entire hospital and how excited we are about our baby.

Expect a lot of excited yelling this August.

Manning 2 Manning: The Sitcom

S01E1: Pilot

Peyton arrives at Eli’s New Jersey condo sporting his new Jet’s gear and asks if he can stay for awhile.  Peyton soon learns that he was cut from the Jets and tries to keep it secret.  Peyton convinces Eli to go to the gym.  Peyton uses many hilarious methods to prevent Eli from seeing the gym TVs which are all reporting about his being cut. Peyton throws a weight at the TV when it appears that Eli might see the news.  The manager kicks the brothers out of the gym.  Peyton intentionally crashes Eli’s car when Eli tries to tune the radio to Sport Center.  Abby pressures Eli to get Peyton to search for an apartment.

S01E02: The Jersey

Abby accidentally ruins Peyton’s Jet’s jersey in the washing machine.  She holds the jersey behind her back when Peyton comes looking for it.  Abby tries to fix it but only makes things worse when she sews the sleeve shut.  She tries to hide the jersey but their dog, Chester, steals it from the laundry basket.  Meanwhile, Peyton keeps changing the channel to 2 Broke Girls when Eli is trying to watch The Voice.   Chester jumps on the couch with Peyton’s ruined jersey and Peyton threatens the dog while Eli holds him back.  Abby guiltily watches from the kitchen while Eli disciplines the dog.  Abby continues to pressure Eli to kick Peyton out.  Later, Eli gathers enough courage to ask Peyton to move when he overhears Peyton on the phone talking about getting cut from the team.  Abby and Eli reluctantly accept Peyton as their new roommate.  Peyton finishes watching 2 Broke Girls with the whole family.  Chester eyes Peyton from his kennel.

S01E06: Cooper Visits

Eli is upset at Peyton for being 3 weeks late on the rent.  Peyton assures Eli he will get the money but more importantly he excitedly reveals that Cooper is coming to town.  Eli and Peyton take Cooper out to dinner and end up at a dive bar.  The brothers try to get Cooper to confess who is the better quarterback.  Peyton attempts to win Cooper over by buying rounds of shots for the entire bar.  Eli is noticeably perturbed by Peyton’s use of money.  Eli drinks too much and passes out.  Eli wakes up on the condo roof in his underwear.  Peyton and Cooper lie to Abby about Eli’s whereabouts and she threatens to call the police.  Eli attempts to keep his sanity by talking to a nest of attentive baby birds about his situation with Peyton.  Chester bites Peyton in the crotch.

Manning 2 Manning - This fall on NBC