Sometime last year, Subway invented “The Works” where they put each and every vegetable into one single word that is mumbleable at best. Usually you don’t even have to say anything because the sandwich artist will ask you if you want THE WORKS while your sub is toasting. So you can simply mumble mmhmm or uhuh. The less words you use in a Subway, the better. Chips drinks cookie food yum are on the acceptable list of words.
The secret is that Subway invented “The Works” so you can take a nap while you order your food because it prevents the very tedious task of picking out vegetables, one at a time. The only time I ordered the works, I let my head rest on the sneeze guard during the sandwich loading. While I snoozed and drooled on the glass, the subway employees secretly took my wallet and car keys and hid them in the cookie batter and bread dough. I was not allowed to leave until I had made enough cookies and bread to find my keys in the dough. (coincidentally they were both in cookies so my keys and wallet smelled like cookies for a few days! yay!).
Since then I have never ordered The Works again. Whenever I am asked if I want The Works I smash my fist on the sneeze guard and yell so everyone can hear me, “NO ONE HAS EVER GOT THE WORKS BEFORE, STOP ASKING!!”
I appreciate the work of this man. When he ordered The Works, they did not give him The Works. Instead they locked him out of the store and stole his sandwiches and ate them in front of him and dangled cookies in front of the window until he did what any rational person would do – call 911. He rationally explained what happened, only calling THREE TIMES, and waited for police to arrive.
Not only did he not get his food, but he also did not get to go home that night. They arrested him and told him, “Where you’re going, you can get all the 6 inches and footlongs you want.”
Thank you, Reginald Peterson. Maybe now they will stop asking if you want The Works.