Hoarders are quite simply the greatest invention since schizophrenia. Hoarders are an important part of the human food chain. They are the “green” people doing the work that most “green” people won’t do. They keep garbage out of the landfills by filling it up in their homes.
Are you a hoarder? A&E has a show for you to watch. Or you can answer these questions. Look in your sink for a pad of paper and grab a pen out of your refrigerator and follow along on your computer that is stuffed in the couch cushions!
The Hoarder Quiz:
Do you need a collection of nesting dolls? Did your grandson buy you those nesting dolls so you can’t bear to part with them? Do you need boxes to put your nesting dolls in? Do you need a box to put your nesting doll boxes in? Does that box fit into another box? That goes on top of your mountain of trash bags in the kitchen? Do you use a garbage bag filled with cooked spaghetti instead of a pillow? Are your walls made out of newspapers and magazines? Is the “best part of waking up” kicking up the effervescent smell of coffee grounds between your toes when you walk from your bed (in the bathtub) to the living room?
When a hoarder dies, the family mourns with a bonfire. The bonfire is fueled by the entire hoarding house. The fire serves as a monumental reminder to the “you can’t take it with you…” saying. Even insurance companies encourage this practice by rewarding full insurance money because nobody wants go into a hoarder’s home.
Every year my neighborhood association has a Hoarder’s Convention. This is a ritual where we lure hoarders into our homes so they can take the garbage that we have accidentally collected over the years. We set up tables in our garages and nicely present the items that we no longer want. The kicker to the whole thing is that they will pay us to take this garbage away!
This year is the first year that I have participated in the hoarder’s convention. After living in a house for 5 years you can build up a lot of junk. Five years is the tipping point and the junk pressure must be released or pre-hoarder syndrome sets in.
At 7:30 AM on Friday the trap was set. The garage door opened and didn’t close until after 4 PM. Hoarders crawled over everything with their little hands and creepy hair for hours, nonstop.
Sometimes (it’s so cute) they will ask if they can have that bag of candles or an old lamp for 25 cents instead of the advertised 50 cents. Little do they know, that the bottom line on each item is $0.00. We neighbors wink and nod at each other after each sale and then gossip about the hoarders when it’s all over.
Below is one such hoarder’s tale.
I was trying to get rid of my broken HD antenna (there is no difference between an HD antenna and old style rabbit ears by the way). One woman said that my antenna reminded her of the spaceships in her dreams.
“Oh really?” I inquired.
“Yeah, I have a reoccurring dream about a spaceship that looks just like that!”
“Please continue,” I pressed.
“Well…” She motioned me closer. She then looked both ways to make sure “they” weren’t watching. “I’ll tell you the honest to God truth. I was out getting cigarettes one night. I live out in the country. I had 6 kids in the car with me. Then, I got to my son’s house and floating above it was this giant triangular spacecraft!”
“That’s amazing. Tell me more.” I said.
“Well the thing took off, zoom!, faster than anything you ever seen! I got back and told my sister about it and she called me drunk! I hadn’t been drinkin!” she leveled with me.
With kids in the car!?
“I hadn’t drunk one drop that night. So, my sister, she don’t believe me. She takes them kids one at a time and interrogates them in a separate room. And you know what?
The kids said you were drunk?
“They told her all the same story!” She poked me in the chest.
That you are the alien?
I sensed opportunity.
“Well I can tell you,” I said, “that I have not seen an alien craft over my house or had an alien dream since I bought these Christmas knickknacks and this set of dishes. They seem to provide adequate alien prevention and coverage. And for you, fellow believer, I could part with them for only $5.”
She bought all of my alien prevention items. And that is the honest to God truth.