Facebook’s Reasons to (check your privacy settings) Hate

Everyone surely knows that the best place to share and store private information is on the Internet.  Facebook is no exception.  It’s important to complain about things on Facebook because that’s the only way to ensure you’ll get the maximum amount of pity.  You might have friends all over the world – think of all of their “Likes” as great big hugs coming from around the globe and centering themselves on the point of which the earth revolves – YOU.

Some people aren’t convinced that they are getting enough world attention and open up their Facebook posts to the entire world.

In fact, that is what Facebook recommends:

This opens up entirely new ways to make friends.  Reasons to Hate (Facebook Fail… in real-time!) can help you make new friends.

Partially hidden to protect the oblivious

Attractive girl? Are you wearing a bikini in your profile picture?  Do you like heavy breathing?  Make sure your Facebook account privacy is set to RECOMMENDED settings and type in “hit me up on my new celly! 555-555-5555!!”  Make sure you change your relationship status from “Shellshocked Marine Husband” to “Single and Vulnerable”.

Creepy guys?  Are you tired of calling 900 numbers for your daily dose of heavy breathing?  Reasons to Hate has your answer.  Make new friends by looking up random people at this site and start breathing heavy into the wealth of phone numbers you can find.  Their name will even be displayed right on the webpage so you can start talking like you’re old chums.  You might even want to google them ahead of time so you can look up their family member names or religious views just in case the conversation goes stale and you need a new subject.  For fun you can even pretend to be a debt collector!

Creepy girls are also welcome to breathe heavy into the phone as well.  The Internet doesn’t discriminate among people who over-share their private information.

The IRS is interested

But the Internet can be so much more than a place to find phone numbers for heavy breathing.  You can also learn or tell everyone about things you hate, things you love, your kid’s school name, and talk about your divorce.  Surely your boss wants to know about how much you hate your job and how much you want to hurt them.  It’s much better than telling your boss yourself.  Why not tell the entire Internet?  They probably want to know how drunk and hung over you are too!

So if you’re lonely and need more flying electronic hugs from around the world, be sure to check that first box on your privacy settings.  Post things like your phone number, your family info, where you work, and the next time your house is going to be empty when you’re on vacation and start collecting more (creepy) people into your life.  Someone might even volunteer to house sit without even asking for pay when you let them know you’re going to be on vacation!  The possibilities are endless.

By the way, I am no longer going to read any more of my real Facebook friends’ posts.  These posts are more entertaining by far.


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