Grocery Savers Sucks

Granny was bored in retirement so she started cutting coupons.  She was saving a lot of money!  She started telling everyone at church how much money she was saving with her scissors.  “I saved 30 cents on my oxygen masks last week!” she would exclaim in the middle of Sunday Service.

After getting tired of hearing about all the savings, her daughters came over for their yearly Easter visit to find out why old mom wouldn’t stop talking about coupons.  Granny regaled them with hours of savvy savings stories. Her daughters were shocked by the sheer volume of coupons, meticulously stacked like endless towers in her kitchen, living room, bedroom, solarium, and her motor vehicle.

“Mother!  How did you get so many coupons?” one daughter asked.

“I shall show you… but let us enjoy this Easter Sunday in peace.” She paused to rock in her chair.  “Arrive at my home next Sunday morning at 3:00AM sharp and you shall learn the way.”  Then she clicked her teeth together noise and everyone left.

Next Sunday, the girls found themselves outside in the dark, shivering in the bushes of a suburban house down the road from Granny’s home.  Headlights turned and shone down the street of their hiding place.  “There!” whispered Granny. She pointed at the oncoming car.  “Stay hidden.  Don’t make a sound.”

Granny emerged from the bushes and approached the sidewalk.  A man stopped the car, got out, and reached into his popped trunk.  Holding something, he turned and was shocked to see an old woman standing there.  “Whoa!” he said, “You scared me!” and he smiled and moved to place the stack of newspapers on the curb, bending over slightly.

Without saying a word Granny lunged at the man and sunk her dentures deeply into the man’s throat. She pulled back and spit out of mouthful of flesh.

The girls gasped and stood frozen in the shadow of the house. “Well! Come on girls!” Granny crowed.  “Just like old times.”  So the girls ran to the man and feasted on his flesh. With her blood soaked face, Granny looked skyward and howled at the moon.

Then they stole the man’s car full of newspapers.  They carefully removed and kept the Sunday ads from each paper.  They loaded the worthless newspaper into the car and set it on fire.  Some of the girls wheeled the burning car into the river and celebrated with a high five!

This was the day that Grocerysavers.com was born!

Grocery Savers is a website that sells coupons (but only if you are bad at math)!  For only $99.95 a year, Granny and her girls cut out coupons from stolen newspapers and send them to you in the mail.  You’ll be saving so much money that you won’t even notice the $100 up front cost.

Here are the details:

Pick out 48 of your favorite coupons.  Out of those coupons, Granny will pick which ones she thinks you really need.  “He doesn’t need new socks!  I just got him new socks last year!  Here is a coupon for beet flavored denture cream and another one for beets.”

Your coupon savings may add up to around $20.  Since Granny still needs to buy stamps so you’ll pay $2 (10%) for each order (on top of the $100 you already paid).  But Granny and her kind, black heart will nullify that $2 fee by sending you an extra $2 worth of coupons.  That’s a total of $22 worth of coupons for only $2!

You wait by the mailbox for up to 10 days for the coupons to arrive. When finally get your coupons you are disappointed to see that they only sent 22 coupons out of the 48 you selected.  They are coupons you didn’t even order and they are all for Bath Crystals for “$1-off when you buy 20 or more”.

They count this $1 savings as a part of your $20 total. So even though you need to buy 440 jars of bath crystals for the savings $1 savings per lot, they still count that as saving you $22, thus justifying your $2 purchase. After all, you were probably going to buy all of those bath crystals anyway.

Confused? That’s how Granny wants you.  Easier to sink her teeth into a confused person.  Since you already paid $100 you’re compelled to keep getting screwed like this $2 at a time, again and again for the rest of the year.

Lucky for us, we tried a free mail-in trial under a fake name without a credit card.  (Always try things that seem to be a scam with a fake name.)  We told them we wanted to cancel the service but Granny was became irate and wouldn’t have it.  She said we just didn’t understand the service and should try again.  Then she made a biting noise in the phone.

Somewhere Granny is cackling and howling at the moon when she and her daughters go around killing defenseless Sunday morning paper delivery people so you can get your dumb coupons that you didn’t even want.  Remember your $100 yearly pledge is the only thing funding Granny’s plane tickets and denture sharpening tools. Will she be in your town next?

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