Every time it rains the ducks come to my house. The utility easement floods a little and makes kind of a pond that attracts the ducks. There are two ducks that fly into my backyard for a bath, but more importantly to feast on the seeds thrown out of the feeder by the smaller birds. Ducks’ webbed feed can’t wrap around the little sticks on the feeder.
Ducks also can’t fit on the feeder because they are too fat. Ducks are too fat because they eat too much. The female duck that lands at my house is fat because she won’t stop eating. Her weak-kneed husband’s will is no match for his wife’s insatiable desire to feed.
The husband duck stands sentry while his mess-of-a-wife gobbles down duck bill after duck bill of seed, mulch, fertilizer, and bugs. The male duck never eats anything. He patiently waits until they hear a noise or the neighbor dog starts to chase them. He’s a good man, but needs to stand up for himself. They usually get a good 30 minutes of uninterrupted feeding. Sometimes the male sounds the alarm only to realize the noise is his wife banging her head against the feeder pole in order to dispense more food.
I can only imagine their daily conversations go like this:
Male: Such a wonderful day for flying. With the wind beneath our wings we can go anywhere our hearts desire.
Female: MMMMM. I’M HUNGRY!
Male: Uh, why we just ate moments ago.
Female: LETS GO BACK TO THAT ONE HOUSE! WITH THE FOOD!
Male: My dear, have you already digested the salamander I spent so much time –
Female: OH THERE IT IS! THE FOOD HOUSE! LOOK OUT OTHER BIRDS! HERE I COME!
Male: Uhg.
I didn’t know that ducks ate bird seeds. I found out that birds are omnivorous which means they really prefer people food. Now, when I see the ducks come, I search the fridge for the things that they really want to eat. They get steaks, chicken wings, dinner rolls and butter, loaded baked potatoes, cheese dip, nachos, tacos, and french fries. A real American meal. I even take the time to set souffle cups of ranch dressing (fat girl ketchup) for dipping the fries and wings. It’s so funny to watch the duck dip its little bill into the ranch dressing with a hunk of chicken wing hanging out of her mouth, buffalo sauce covering her cheeks.
Oh yeah, the male still won’t eat any of the “omnivore” food. I’m starting to think that the male duck isn’t a real man. I went out and tried to high five him and I threw a football to him but he ran away like a girl! We (the female duck and I) convinced him to throw the football back but he couldn’t even throw a spiral. What a sissy! The female duck and I just laughed at him while he hung his head in shame. She told him to wait in the utility easement pond while she finished feeding. What a lame duck.
This Never Happened 