USA Inc. Corporate Citizen Orientation 

A lot of people look forward to having a business man in the white house. He’ll run the country like a corporation, they say. Having worked for a corporation for over a decade, I can say that I’m extremely excited by this proposal. Running the country like a corporation will improve everyone’s life dramatically. Below outlines the details of your benefits package.

Under new management, every citizen will need to be rebadged. Your rfid identification card can be acquired at your local DMV. Your ID must be visibly displayed on your person at all times. The new ID will allow you to gain access to other cities, subject to approval.If you see someone without their badge displayed, contact security immediately. Once you’ve received your ID, you will immediately report to your City Mayor for assignment.

Each City Mayor will be selected by the new Executive Team. Each Mayor will be required to champion the country’s yearly slogan. The 2017 slogan is “Make America Great”. 

All working aged people will be required to maintain employment within their city. Productivity will be monitored through sophisticated tracking technology. Elderly people will be kindly forced into an early Retirement Camp. All non-productive citizens or violators of Country rules will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including termination.

An HR2000 discipline drone will seek out each citizen subject to termination. A Citizen will be given 10 minutes to explain their infraction, which will be recorded and ignored by the robot. Terminations will be carried out every Friday afternoon.

Your job and your family are important to your country. In order to continue to provide great service, there are several ethical rules that all Citizens must follow.

Gifts to Citizens in excess of $100 must be reported to the IRS. 

Weapons are prohibited on Country property.

All computer and cell phone activity will be monitored by the management and are only to be used for Country business. The country reserves the right to change its acceptable use at any time without noticed.

All restroom use will be referred to as a “bio-break”. 

Productivity is the most important measure for the Country. Citizen parents may choose be released from their job site on weekends to interact with their children, however this is strongly discouraged as it decreases productivity and may damage the child’s development.

Citizens will be reimbursed for any travel on behalf of Country business. It is Country policy to use the Big Three chain preferred providers for all travel. Failure to obtain prior authorization from a town Mayor will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination.

All Citizens will be required to complete a yearly physical and obtain a certain amount of fitness points in order to retain mandatory health care coverage. All Citizens will be implanted with a permanent fitness and heart monitor. The Country shall keep your blood sample indefinitely.

All Citizens will be required to complete Annual Citizenship Training. These online modules will ensure each Citizen is provided with mandatory training that will improve their conformity scores and quell individuality uprisings. Mayors will be held responsible for ensuring 99% completion rating for all of these modules and will be the primary focus of the Mayor. A quiz score of 100% is required. Failure may result in “coaching” from an HR2000 compliance drone.

Speaking your mind freely is strongly discouraged. Refer to the Country’s slogan or talking quarterly earnings deck for discussion ideas. Speaking your mind may result in uncomfortable situations or hurt feelings of other Citizens. These matters are taken very seriously and will be investigated by an HR2000. Substantiated claims will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination. 

Occasionally towns will be redistricted and reorganized. During a reorganization you may be asked to change your responsibilities, or move to a different location. Your new Mayor will select a new home for you and your family based on those homes vacated during the re-org. If you do not like your selection, you are free to apply for citizenship to other countries.

After each reorganization, several small towns will be eliminated. The Citizens will be relocated to a larger city. This will result in increased productivity and improve each state’s mandatory environmental score. All farms will be worked by robots. 

Working at the Country will be very beneficial to all Citizens! At the end of each year, each Citizen will have the opportunity to earn a profit sharing bonus. Congratulations, this is your reward for all of your hard work and compliance which avoids the dispatching of costly HR2000 drones. After the Mayor reviews each Citizen’s compliance scores, 66% of the discretionary credits will be issued to each Citizen based on an incalculable convoluted process which factors in their arbitrary conformity to the Country’s goals and slogans. A Mayor may keep up to 100% of a Citizen’s bonus based on criteria of their choosing. The Executive Team can reverse this decision at any time and terminate your Mayor and bonus structure without notice.

A Mayor who fails to uphold all of the Country’s goals and slogans will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including termination. Anyone on the Executive Team who displeases the President can be terminated without cause.

Thank you for joining us in USA Incorporated. Your conformance and compliance is mandatory.

If the thought of the businessman bringing about these changes doesn’t appeal to you, rest assured, citizen, that the creeping government involvement in your every day life can also be attained by voting for the corrupt woman politician. Voting for either will have us skipping merrily towards the singularly of the black hole of progressive totalitarian human control. 

So get out there and vote Corporate Citizen, like your life, liberty, pursuit of happiness inflated sense of an ever increasing minimum set of human requirements depends upon it!

New Research! Bacon Causes Cancer

Tobias finished charting his spreadsheet and grinned at the results. “Christina, it’s done!” he called.

Christina peered at the monitor and shrieked with joy. “Oh my Gosh! By every account, consumption of processed meats shows a strong link to the growth of cancer cells.” She hugged him. “This is our big break Tobias! You pretty up the graphs and I’ll begin the report. Maybe well make it in some science journals!”

“Pffffffffffft! Science journals?” Gunther launched himself towards the two research students from his desk across the room. “Processed meats cause cancer? You guys are putting me to sleep over here!”

“Actually it’s pretty exciting. We’ve spent trillions of dollars on this thanks to funding from the world’s governments!” Tobias protested and Gunther forced a hand into his face.

“No Bacon Breath; your angle’s all wrong. What you’ve got is 100% Grade A pasteurized Click. Bait. First of all what are processed meats? Sliced Turkey? Bacon? People love their bacon. People have strong opinions on their bacon. What you need to do is drive a wedge between people. Paint a picture that pits people who like bacon against the vegetarians. You’ll be all over Facebook, Twitter, morning radio, water coolers, Keurig machines, everywhere! You want grant money? Here it is!” He pantomimed ‘making it rain’.

“Science and research are a thing of the past! This is the new science. Getting your story out as soon as you come to some sort of cursory conclusion is your top priority. The more sensational and divisive the better.” Gunther paused and leaned in whispering, “The more eyes, the better.”

“But, our research doesn’t offer an explanation directly about bacon, Gunther!” Christina whined. “This is just a simple ANOVA correlation completed as a study for the World Health Organization. We’re hoping that this is a step in the direction of ending the meat industry and ultimately forcing people to live in pods and live on feeding tubes.”

Gunther flapped his hands at Tobias, miming Christina while she talked. He waggled a finger at her, “Click. Bait.” Gunther slipped his sunglasses over his eyes. “Kids I gotta run.” Gunther stormed out of the room howling and grabbing a fistful of bacon from the breakfast tray as he stiff-armed the door.

The Hands of Smoke

A Louisiana Hospital has decided to ban the clothing of employees who smell like smoke. This is known as 3rd hand smoke.  Some employees have found the banning of their clothing liberating, but many argue that working naked at a hospital is not universally desirable and argue that it is less healthy than than a doctor who smokes while delivering a baby.

In today’s society, it’s important to name and categorize everything, so when bad things happen you, know who is to blame.  Many have been surprised to find out that such a thing as 3rd hand smoke exists.  You’ll be even more surprised to find out that there are actually 6 and a half hands of smoke. Each hand of smoke carries with it certain criminal fine and punishment for the offending smoker. Awareness is important.  Many victims are not even aware of the awards available for any and all instances of smoking used against you.  Since smoking is now 99% illegal, these charges have been categorized and listed by the court system.

1st Hand Smoke

You’ve intentionally inhaled an amount of smoke.  Symptoms include: “the edge” is temporarily taken off and looking a little cooler.  It is also a crime and you are going to jail.

Penalty: 25 to Life in prison
Civil rewards: Pending all encompassing class action lawsuit against the cigarette companies

2nd Hand Smoke

You’ve entered a room where someone has expelled smoke or inside of the 20 foot safety zone of a building.  After measuring the distance from the building entrance to the offending smoker, report this crime to the police.  Symptoms include having to take a shower before bed and temporary irritability but otherwise having a good time, enjoying life.

Penalty: 20 years in prison plus 5 years house arrest
Civil rewards: $35,000 per inhalation ($50,000 if smoke is blown into your face – 1.5-Hand Smoke)

3rd Hand Smoke

Smoke that lingers on clothing, couches, curtains, or carpets.  Being around someone who had a cigarette once can lead to highly damaging 3rd hand smoke.  Even smelling the jacket of a former smoker can lead to instant lung cancer and damaging bowel movements. Symptoms include: not liking how someone smells and dealing with it in a reasonable manner – then calling the police.

Penalty: Up to 2 years in prison with lifetime GPS ankle bracelet
Civil rewards: $1000 per detection of smoke residue

4th Hand Smoke

Knowing someone who knows a smoker.  This hand of smoke is insidiously dangerous.  You may shake hands or share desert with someone who knows a smoker.  The smoke residue may travel from the original smoker through your friend or colleague and enter through your mouth or nose causing an unmeasurable amount of damage.  Symptoms may not reveal for 50 years or more and will be difficult to track back to the proper source.  Since it’s hard to pin down the source of this hand of smoke so it’s best to hire a detective to follow your friend around to see if they consort with smokers.  Symptoms of a 4th hand smoke victim include: headache, back pain, being tired, talking to strangers about the weather, and hunger around noon, daily.

Penalty: 500 hours of community service
Civil rewards: up to $100 per incident plus medical bills

5th Hand Smoke

The victim has communicated with a smoker.  Be aware of raspy voices and coughing.  It’s your right to have a phone conversation free of the interrupting effects of a smoker.  Your precious minutes are wasted with asking the caller to repeat themselves or waiting for their coughing fit to end.  It’s estimated that companies lose 35% productivity each time an employee speaks with a smoker.

Formerly this applied only to voice phone communication but has recently expanded to all telecommunication including texting, email, and Facebook.  Monitor your friend’s Facebook pictures and report any smoking activity. Their family or friends may be using their phone or keyboard and it’s important that you worry about their well-being at all times.

Penalty: 300 hours community service and banned from the Internet for one week
Civil rewards: up to $100 per incident

6th Hand Smoke

The victim experiences smoke during a dream or altered mental state.  The metaphysical effects of 6th hand smoke can be far greater than that of any other kind, because of the long lasting mental effects.

You walk into your high school gym riding a giant chicken.  Your car in the middle of the gym with the engine running.  Your late grandmother, 3 of the Keebler Elves and a your ex-roommate are inside of your car, smoking.  You try to get away but everyone in the gym will laugh at you since you don’t have pants on and you are the only one who can drive them to Disney World.  You accidentally drive the car into the ocean and it turns into a Sea Lab where you live out your days studying migration patterns of dolphins.  Symptoms include: A burning desire to tell everyone about the dream you had last night, no matter how glazed over their eyes become.  Also, fear of going back to sleep.

Penalty: 300 hours community service and one week in a sleep deprivation chamber
Civil rewards: automatic $100 from each person in your dream

Please join me this November in the Walk to Promote the 6-and-a-half Hands of Smoke Awareness.  Together we can make sure nothing mildly undesirable ever happens to a person again.

SunChips Compostable Bag: Year in Review

Last year Frito-Lay started putting their SunChips in a compostable bag.  The bag was very loud.  It was so loud that it quickly replaced the vuvuzela as the most annoying sports noise maker when the Yankees passed out SunChips to the first 10000 fans, late last August. Fans sang along to Gary Glitter’s Rock ‘n’ Roll, crinkling their bags as they clapped.  “CRINKLE CRINKLE CRINKLE CRINKLE HEY!”

The trend caught on and all sports arenas started passing them out, puffing their chests at their environmental action.  Sadly, SunChips were quickly banned when fans started throwing their loud bags out on the the field because they thought composting meant they would disappear once they touched the soil.  The bags also caused thousands of injuries, mass hearing loss.

Hockey arenas also tried passing out the SunChips bags, but fans once again failed to understand the process of composting and began discarding their bags on the ice rink en masse in lieu of a proper hat-trick.  At the end of each period, the Zamboni simply drove over the skate-shredded SunChips bags and permanently encased them in the ice at the brand new SunChips Arena!

So I bought a couple of bags just like everyone else.  If you’re like most people you quickly got tired of everyone in your life yelling at you to SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP BEFORE I HIT YOU PUT THE BAG AWAY AND DON’T EAT THEM AGAIN every time you went for a snack. So you dumped the contents of the bag into multiple Ziploc sandwich bags or a couple of gallon sized Ziplocs.  Then you threw the compostable bag into the trash.

But it’s compostable right? So even if it ends up in the landfill it just disappears in a billion little pieces where it is reclaimed and consumed by the Earth as an incredibly loud but “healthy” snack.  Or is the bag only suitable for an actual compost bin?  In that case, does it actually add any nutritional value to your compost soil?  Or is it just a clever way to hide your trash? Doesn’t it still leave something behind whether you left it in a landfill or your backyard?  (Composting also creates CO2 and Heat)  What is the maximum SunChips bag to vegetation ratio?

04-21-10

So last Spring I dug a shallow hole and discarded my first compostable SunChips bag into my garden.  (I love hiding trash in my yard!)  I know it’s not a compost heap and doesn’t have the proper moisture/air/heat balance to completely compost, but I figured it would at least start to degrade and probably be gone after a year.  I planted vegetables like normal, watered, fertilized, harvested, left some plants to rot, and left the garden over the winter.

And forgot about it.

Today I was digging around my garden and cleaning out the old rotten plant matter.  I struck something with the shovel that caused a deafening sound.  I thought I had struck thunder itself.  Fearing I hit the electric line or God’s sleeping place, I threw the shovel and screamed as I ran behind a tree.  Rocking back and forth with my hands over my ears, wimpering “make it stop”, I waited until my hearing returned.

3-21-11

When I regained my equilibrium, I returned to the garden.  I had to set up an archeological string grid and lightly brush material off the of the garden with a fine broom until I uncovered the source of the thunder sound.  Below the soil the SunChips bag was still there, complete with all of the letters, colors, nutrition information, and as LOUD AS EVER.  But, it didn’t even try to compost!

Maybe after a few years it will begin to degrade.  The bag said it would take 13 weeks under proper compost.  But do you really think it’s going to do that at the landfill?  Even if it does “degrade” it’s still going to be there under 25 feet of clay.  So unless you run a proper compost heap or worm bin, stop patting yourself on the back as “Captain Green” for buying something that says something you don’t understand.  The SunChips bag is pretty much just another piece of garbage, unless you can come up some other practical use:

  • Strategically placed on the stairs to a sniper’s nest as an alarm
  • Tied to a lazy dog’s tail so it gets some exercise
  • Stitched together as a Mylar Solar Sail to divert an asteroid away from Earth’s Orbit
  • A flower pot that will last for years

This bag has been through a lot

Hoarders and Spaceships

Hoarders are quite simply the greatest invention since schizophrenia.  Hoarders are an important part of the human food chain.  They are the “green” people doing the work that most “green” people won’t do.  They keep garbage out of the landfills by filling it up in their homes.

Are you a hoarder?  A&E has a show for you to watch.  Or you can answer these questions.  Look in your sink for a pad of paper and grab a pen out of your refrigerator and follow along on your computer that is stuffed in the couch cushions!

The Hoarder Quiz:

Do you need a collection of nesting dolls?  Did your grandson buy you those nesting dolls so you can’t bear to part with them?  Do you need boxes to put your nesting dolls in?  Do you need a box to put your nesting doll boxes in?  Does that box fit into another box?  That goes on top of your mountain of trash bags in the kitchen? Do you use a garbage bag filled with cooked spaghetti instead of a pillow?  Are your walls made out of newspapers and magazines?  Is the “best part of waking up” kicking up the effervescent smell of coffee grounds between your toes when you walk from your bed (in the bathtub) to the living room?

When a hoarder dies, the family mourns with a bonfire.  The bonfire is fueled by the entire hoarding house.  The fire serves as a monumental reminder to the “you can’t take it with you…” saying.  Even insurance companies encourage this practice by rewarding full insurance money because nobody wants go into a hoarder’s home.

Every year my neighborhood association has a Hoarder’s Convention.  This is a ritual where we lure hoarders into our homes so they can take the garbage that we have accidentally collected over the years.  We set up tables in our garages and nicely present the items that we no longer want.  The kicker to the whole thing is that they will pay us to take this garbage away!

This year is the first year that I have participated in the hoarder’s convention.  After living in a house for 5 years you can build up a lot of junk.  Five years is the tipping point and the junk pressure must be released or pre-hoarder syndrome sets in.

At 7:30 AM on Friday the trap was set.  The garage door opened and didn’t close until after 4 PM.  Hoarders crawled over everything with their little hands and creepy hair for hours, nonstop.

Sometimes (it’s so cute) they will ask if they can have that bag of candles or an old lamp for 25 cents instead of the advertised 50 cents.  Little do they know, that the bottom line on each item is $0.00.  We neighbors wink and nod at each other after each sale and then gossip about the hoarders when it’s all over.

Below is one such hoarder’s tale.


Spaceship

A haunting reminder of that night...

I was trying to get rid of my broken HD antenna (there is no difference between an HD antenna and old style rabbit ears by the way).  One woman said that my antenna reminded her of the spaceships in her dreams.

“Oh really?” I inquired.

“Yeah, I have a reoccurring dream about a spaceship that looks just like that!”

“Please continue,” I pressed.

“Well…” She motioned me closer. She then looked both ways to make sure “they” weren’t watching.  “I’ll tell you the honest to God truth.  I was out getting cigarettes one night.  I live out in the country.  I had 6 kids in the car with me.  Then, I got to my son’s house and floating above it was this giant triangular spacecraft!”

“That’s amazing. Tell me more.” I said.

“Well the thing took off, zoom!, faster than anything you ever seen!  I got back and told my sister about it and she called me drunk!  I hadn’t been drinkin!” she leveled with me.

With kids in the car!?

“I hadn’t drunk one drop that night.  So, my sister, she don’t believe me.  She takes them kids one at a time and interrogates them in a separate room.  And you know what?

The kids said you were drunk?

“They told her all the same story!” She poked me in the chest.

That you are the alien?

I sensed opportunity.

“Well I can tell you,” I said, “that I have not seen an alien craft over my house or had an alien dream since I bought these Christmas knickknacks and this set of dishes. They seem to provide adequate alien prevention and coverage. And for you, fellow believer, I could part with them for only $5.”

She bought all of my alien prevention items.  And that is the honest to God truth.