New Research! Bacon Causes Cancer

Tobias finished charting his spreadsheet and grinned at the results. “Christina, it’s done!” he called.

Christina peered at the monitor and shrieked with joy. “Oh my Gosh! By every account, consumption of processed meats shows a strong link to the growth of cancer cells.” She hugged him. “This is our big break Tobias! You pretty up the graphs and I’ll begin the report. Maybe well make it in some science journals!”

“Pffffffffffft! Science journals?” Gunther launched himself towards the two research students from his desk across the room. “Processed meats cause cancer? You guys are putting me to sleep over here!”

“Actually it’s pretty exciting. We’ve spent trillions of dollars on this thanks to funding from the world’s governments!” Tobias protested and Gunther forced a hand into his face.

“No Bacon Breath; your angle’s all wrong. What you’ve got is 100% Grade A pasteurized Click. Bait. First of all what are processed meats? Sliced Turkey? Bacon? People love their bacon. People have strong opinions on their bacon. What you need to do is drive a wedge between people. Paint a picture that pits people who like bacon against the vegetarians. You’ll be all over Facebook, Twitter, morning radio, water coolers, Keurig machines, everywhere! You want grant money? Here it is!” He pantomimed ‘making it rain’.

“Science and research are a thing of the past! This is the new science. Getting your story out as soon as you come to some sort of cursory conclusion is your top priority. The more sensational and divisive the better.” Gunther paused and leaned in whispering, “The more eyes, the better.”

“But, our research doesn’t offer an explanation directly about bacon, Gunther!” Christina whined. “This is just a simple ANOVA correlation completed as a study for the World Health Organization. We’re hoping that this is a step in the direction of ending the meat industry and ultimately forcing people to live in pods and live on feeding tubes.”

Gunther flapped his hands at Tobias, miming Christina while she talked. He waggled a finger at her, “Click. Bait.” Gunther slipped his sunglasses over his eyes. “Kids I gotta run.” Gunther stormed out of the room howling and grabbing a fistful of bacon from the breakfast tray as he stiff-armed the door.


Fitness Cyborg (Nike FuelBand Review)

All I asked for on my birthday was for cybernetic parts. My loving wife agrees with my desire to become more like a robot and says it would be “quite the improvement” so she encourages the activity.  She bought me a Nike FuelBand ahead of my birthday so I could try it out in a half marathon.

The Nike FuelBand is pretty much what I expected; it’s a great motivation to get up and move around. However, with great expectations comes great responsibility. Here’s how it works.

After carefully unboxing your FuelBand (and posting the video online) you hook it up to a computer. Here, the FuelBand collects all of your personal information; weight, height, passwords, address, a list of your fears, and bank account numbers. Once it’s done mining your data you strap it on your wrist. Once it is locked in place you can never take it off.

The Nike FuelBand is really fun!  It captures and collects your every mechanical movement and turns it into “Fuel”. You earn Fuel by walking, running, jogging in place, or spasticly waving to people from your car. The Fuel is stored in your FuelBand and increases during the day as you move around. As you get closer to your goal, a progress bar fills up and begins to turn green. Your Fuel totals are uploaded to the Internet where it is scrutinized and judged by data miners.

But then it gets weird.

Every night at midnight, the Goddess Nike travels around the world to drain and collect Fuel from all of her active conscripted soldiers. During “The Reaping” if you have reached your daily point quota the Goddess will bless you, granting you sweet dreams and smiles upon you and your loved ones. However, if you failed to collect enough Fuel, she will punish by taking your soul and possessing your body. You don’t want that. Either way she will take all of your Fuel at midnight and you get to start over collecting Fuel for her the next day.

The Goddess Nike is the Greek goddess of victory, often depicted in ancient drawings with wings and sweet running shoes. She uses your FuelBand Fuel to wage her wars on Earth and set victories to those individuals and nations who actively offer up the most Fuel.  She’s also been instrumental in rigging elections, causing end-of-game touchdowns, and granting argument winning power against significant others.

Since I’ve been using Nike Running (which also earns Fuel) for the past 4 years, I was grandfathered in to the Nike Goddess’ Fuel program.  In fact, I’ve earned enough Fuel to fully fund an a Nuclear Submarine and two M1 Abrams tanks. The Fuel I’ve earned has also saved me the embarrassment of not finishing last in my age group in a 10k. Thanks Goddess Nike!

You’ll learn to love your new life under the Goddess’ rule. However, you’ll be asked to give up many of the ways of your former life. No longer can you sit idly around when there are Fuel points to collect. Constant activity is your new life. It may sound like a stressful life sentence, but with the right attitude, your FuelBand and Nike can help you lead a long and rewarding life.

Here are some tips to avoid having your soul ripped from your corporeal body.

  • The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, so throw away your Garmin, because that’s the route you’re going to take. Throw away your car while you’re at it because driving it could mean the loss of your soul. You’ll find your route to work is much more of an adventure when you’re climbing over buildings and navigating the dividing wall of the highway. Your trip to get the milk may take two hours as you jump over fences, get chased by a dog, and swim across a pond (disclaimer: Nike FuelBand is not recommenced for swimming). Be sure to carry the milk in your non-FuelBand hand to assure you swing out all of the necessary Fuel. Everyone will think you’ve taken up the spastic sport of Free Running, but rest assured that you‘re enslaved to serve a higher power.
  • Avoid meetings.  If you must attend a meeting, you’ll need to find ways to stay active during a meeting. Participation is key. Stand up and make wide, sweeping gestures to make your point. If you can, prepare a power point presentation. Be sure your presentation includes plenty of exciting screens that will warrant your constant air punching and cart wheels.
  • The Goddess Nike hates reading. Say goodbye to curling up with a good book and and a blanket. If you must read, audio books are an option but only if your listening sessions are also accompanied by constant jumping jacks.
  • Avoid air travel. If you’re your pressed with a deadline and unable to reach your destination in a reasonable amount of time, air travel may be permitted. While the seatbelt light is on you can stay active by doing fist pumps from your seat. When the seatbelt light is finally turned off you’ll want to go up to the front of the plane, grab to mic, and rock the passengers with a song and air guitar.
  • Cooking will help keep you active, but take advice from Emeril who is a Grand Master Nike Fuel member and sits on the high council at the Parthenon. Only cook exciting foods and keep adding seasoning with your own trademarked catchphrase.
  • Unless you can destroy your inner couch potato, the Nike Goddess will take your soul. So if you’re going to catch a TV show, get up and stand on the couch. Jump on the couch. The floor is made of lava all the time. You can jump from couch to couch but I would recommend installing monkey bars and swinging ropes in order to maximize your movement throughout the house. Your house is now a ninja gym.

The Nike FuelBand is also a watch.

Manning 2 Manning: The Sitcom

S01E1: Pilot

Peyton arrives at Eli’s New Jersey condo sporting his new Jet’s gear and asks if he can stay for awhile.  Peyton soon learns that he was cut from the Jets and tries to keep it secret.  Peyton convinces Eli to go to the gym.  Peyton uses many hilarious methods to prevent Eli from seeing the gym TVs which are all reporting about his being cut. Peyton throws a weight at the TV when it appears that Eli might see the news.  The manager kicks the brothers out of the gym.  Peyton intentionally crashes Eli’s car when Eli tries to tune the radio to Sport Center.  Abby pressures Eli to get Peyton to search for an apartment.

S01E02: The Jersey

Abby accidentally ruins Peyton’s Jet’s jersey in the washing machine.  She holds the jersey behind her back when Peyton comes looking for it.  Abby tries to fix it but only makes things worse when she sews the sleeve shut.  She tries to hide the jersey but their dog, Chester, steals it from the laundry basket.  Meanwhile, Peyton keeps changing the channel to 2 Broke Girls when Eli is trying to watch The Voice.   Chester jumps on the couch with Peyton’s ruined jersey and Peyton threatens the dog while Eli holds him back.  Abby guiltily watches from the kitchen while Eli disciplines the dog.  Abby continues to pressure Eli to kick Peyton out.  Later, Eli gathers enough courage to ask Peyton to move when he overhears Peyton on the phone talking about getting cut from the team.  Abby and Eli reluctantly accept Peyton as their new roommate.  Peyton finishes watching 2 Broke Girls with the whole family.  Chester eyes Peyton from his kennel.

S01E06: Cooper Visits

Eli is upset at Peyton for being 3 weeks late on the rent.  Peyton assures Eli he will get the money but more importantly he excitedly reveals that Cooper is coming to town.  Eli and Peyton take Cooper out to dinner and end up at a dive bar.  The brothers try to get Cooper to confess who is the better quarterback.  Peyton attempts to win Cooper over by buying rounds of shots for the entire bar.  Eli is noticeably perturbed by Peyton’s use of money.  Eli drinks too much and passes out.  Eli wakes up on the condo roof in his underwear.  Peyton and Cooper lie to Abby about Eli’s whereabouts and she threatens to call the police.  Eli attempts to keep his sanity by talking to a nest of attentive baby birds about his situation with Peyton.  Chester bites Peyton in the crotch.

Manning 2 Manning - This fall on NBC




The Hands of Smoke

A Louisiana Hospital has decided to ban the clothing of employees who smell like smoke. This is known as 3rd hand smoke.  Some employees have found the banning of their clothing liberating, but many argue that working naked at a hospital is not universally desirable and argue that it is less healthy than than a doctor who smokes while delivering a baby.

In today’s society, it’s important to name and categorize everything, so when bad things happen you, know who is to blame.  Many have been surprised to find out that such a thing as 3rd hand smoke exists.  You’ll be even more surprised to find out that there are actually 6 and a half hands of smoke. Each hand of smoke carries with it certain criminal fine and punishment for the offending smoker. Awareness is important.  Many victims are not even aware of the awards available for any and all instances of smoking used against you.  Since smoking is now 99% illegal, these charges have been categorized and listed by the court system.

1st Hand Smoke

You’ve intentionally inhaled an amount of smoke.  Symptoms include: “the edge” is temporarily taken off and looking a little cooler.  It is also a crime and you are going to jail.

Penalty: 25 to Life in prison
Civil rewards: Pending all encompassing class action lawsuit against the cigarette companies

2nd Hand Smoke

You’ve entered a room where someone has expelled smoke or inside of the 20 foot safety zone of a building.  After measuring the distance from the building entrance to the offending smoker, report this crime to the police.  Symptoms include having to take a shower before bed and temporary irritability but otherwise having a good time, enjoying life.

Penalty: 20 years in prison plus 5 years house arrest
Civil rewards: $35,000 per inhalation ($50,000 if smoke is blown into your face – 1.5-Hand Smoke)

3rd Hand Smoke

Smoke that lingers on clothing, couches, curtains, or carpets.  Being around someone who had a cigarette once can lead to highly damaging 3rd hand smoke.  Even smelling the jacket of a former smoker can lead to instant lung cancer and damaging bowel movements. Symptoms include: not liking how someone smells and dealing with it in a reasonable manner – then calling the police.

Penalty: Up to 2 years in prison with lifetime GPS ankle bracelet
Civil rewards: $1000 per detection of smoke residue

4th Hand Smoke

Knowing someone who knows a smoker.  This hand of smoke is insidiously dangerous.  You may shake hands or share desert with someone who knows a smoker.  The smoke residue may travel from the original smoker through your friend or colleague and enter through your mouth or nose causing an unmeasurable amount of damage.  Symptoms may not reveal for 50 years or more and will be difficult to track back to the proper source.  Since it’s hard to pin down the source of this hand of smoke so it’s best to hire a detective to follow your friend around to see if they consort with smokers.  Symptoms of a 4th hand smoke victim include: headache, back pain, being tired, talking to strangers about the weather, and hunger around noon, daily.

Penalty: 500 hours of community service
Civil rewards: up to $100 per incident plus medical bills

5th Hand Smoke

The victim has communicated with a smoker.  Be aware of raspy voices and coughing.  It’s your right to have a phone conversation free of the interrupting effects of a smoker.  Your precious minutes are wasted with asking the caller to repeat themselves or waiting for their coughing fit to end.  It’s estimated that companies lose 35% productivity each time an employee speaks with a smoker.

Formerly this applied only to voice phone communication but has recently expanded to all telecommunication including texting, email, and Facebook.  Monitor your friend’s Facebook pictures and report any smoking activity. Their family or friends may be using their phone or keyboard and it’s important that you worry about their well-being at all times.

Penalty: 300 hours community service and banned from the Internet for one week
Civil rewards: up to $100 per incident

6th Hand Smoke

The victim experiences smoke during a dream or altered mental state.  The metaphysical effects of 6th hand smoke can be far greater than that of any other kind, because of the long lasting mental effects.

You walk into your high school gym riding a giant chicken.  Your car in the middle of the gym with the engine running.  Your late grandmother, 3 of the Keebler Elves and a your ex-roommate are inside of your car, smoking.  You try to get away but everyone in the gym will laugh at you since you don’t have pants on and you are the only one who can drive them to Disney World.  You accidentally drive the car into the ocean and it turns into a Sea Lab where you live out your days studying migration patterns of dolphins.  Symptoms include: A burning desire to tell everyone about the dream you had last night, no matter how glazed over their eyes become.  Also, fear of going back to sleep.

Penalty: 300 hours community service and one week in a sleep deprivation chamber
Civil rewards: automatic $100 from each person in your dream

Please join me this November in the Walk to Promote the 6-and-a-half Hands of Smoke Awareness.  Together we can make sure nothing mildly undesirable ever happens to a person again.

Tips for Running a Half Marathon

For some, Spring means hanging out at the lake or watching baseball.  For others, Spring is Half Marathon Season!

After you’ve done a few long distance races, you think you’ve got it all figured out and can start educating and encouraging new runners.  Everyone’s always asking me, “Tell me everything you know about distance running in blog post form!”  So I just had to write it down.  These tips will save you time, money, and make your race a much more enjoyable adventure.

Tips for Running a Half Marathon

Buy a Quality Track Suit:
Having the right shoes and clothes can make or break your run.  Spend at least $1400 on shorts, underwear, socks, and a shirt.  Approximately every $100 you spend on running clothes equals ten minutes off of your time!  Look inside of the clothes for special Perks or Powerups.  Nike makes a sports bra with a button you can press to give you a quick speed boost.

Also, be sure to put those things under your kneecaps so your leg does not break apart.  I can’t tell you how many kneecaps I’ve seen skittering across the road after someone’s knees explode.

The night before the race, hunt down anything made from grains or sugar.  The best method for storing up this energy is through consuming as much beer as possible.  Think of each longneck as a cylinder in your car engine.  Tomorrow you’re legs will be pounding pavement away like a sewing machine. As the night goes on and it gets closer to race time you’ll know you’re belly’s ready.  That’s a feeling we runners call “the churning”.

Track Your Run:
Just as it’s important to check into a grocery store on Facebook Places or foursquare, you’ll want to be sure to track every single step you take running for the rest of your life.  When your half marathon begins, you’ll probably be back a little ways from the start gate.  DO NOT start your Nike+ or GPS until you reach the gate.

To ensure accuracy, STOP right before you get to the start gate and look at your tracker to make sure it is ready.  If you need a second, be polite and hold up a finger for those behind you.  They’ll know you need a second and politely wait until you have everything set up.  This is also a great time to set up your iPod playlists.

Touch as many People as Possible:
Comradery between long distance runners is as strong as soldiers who has endured the crucible of combat together.  Gently touch as many people as possible on the shoulder as you pass them.  For added points, lean in and whisper something in their ear.  “Keep going buddy!” “I hope you’re getting enough water!” or softly hiss “Meet you after the race for applesss.” These are good phrases to keep in mind but make some up on your own.  Keep track of how many people you’ve touched and let everyone know how many you touched. This is something everyone talks about!

Walk/Run With All of Your Friends:
Make it a girls weekend and walk with 3 of your friends. Have t-shirts made for each Sex and the City character. Walk 4 abreast down the track. This is a great time to talk about boys or exchange your favorite recipes. (Guys can talk about video games and war)  Just remember to consider all of your friends because one of the girls on the end is going to miss out on a lot of the conversation because she’s stuck next to the loud one and when she goes to spread the gossip to her other friends she’s going to screw it all up:

“So I guess Dorothy went to the costume party with Mark and she went as Dorothy and he went as some kind of x-men mutant and when they started doing it in the punch bowl his eyes started shooting lasers like the Cyclops but luckily Dorothy’s real ruby slippers were already off and on the table because it was getting hot so he just put the shoes over his eyes to stop the lasers so he didn’t kill anybody else but they had to leave and she got a DUI because Mark couldn’t see without shooting lasers out of his eyes. At least that’s what I heard when when we ran this half marathon thing last week.”

Be Cautious When Getting Water:
There will be numerous water stations scattered throughout your race.  You’ll want to stay plenty hydrated.  Don’t worry about pee because most of it comes out of your skin.

The proper way to grab a water is to scream and quickly dart across the track towards the water.  Sudden movements indicate thirst. Go for the first water person.  ONLY get water from the first person! As soon as you get your cup, STOP!  DO NOT spill any water on your expensive track suit!  Spread your legs, shoulder length apart, and lean forward and slowly drink your water or Gatorade.  This is a good time to check your kneecap holders to make sure they aren’t about to fly off. Give big smile and a thumbs-up to those around you if your kneecaps are OK!

If Of course you have your phone with you, so be sure to check in on Facebook Places at each water station.

When you’re done with the cup, throw it as far away as possible so a woodland creature or fish can make a house out of it.  Running is very rewarding in itself, but being able to help animals is great too.