Bees Hate him! Local Man Cures Allergies with One Simple Trick!

Pollen is in the air! And it’s blowing into your nose and mouth and eyes. Pollen is the body’s ultimate fake news that sparks a perennial histamine outrage. Histamine makes your body offended by a season and gives it an excuse to cry about something that doesn’t exist and shouldn’t matter.

In the Middle Ages, the symptoms of histamine were mistaken for possession by the Devil. Back then, the only solution available for an allergy sufferer was to slide their neck below a guillotine for temporary relief from demonic fluid draining from their faces.

But at some point between the Middle Ages and Johnson and Johnson, one man, running from the guillotine demon hunter mobs, began furiously rubbing his eyes to obtain temporary relief, even though he knew it would make it worse, and ran head first into a hollow tree. The tree was filled with bees. The man found his head and mouth covered in honey. And he felt a little better (despite the stings). The honey cured his allergies (for a few minutes)! He was proudly accepted back into his village and allowed to keep his neck*.

This moment in history marks the birthplace of natural immunotherapy allergy treatments. It works** because eating the pollen particles left in the honey obviously desensitize your body to the pollen you experience in the air, thus reducing your histamine response. It just makes sense! Just like how sharing heroine needles can help ward off non-hodgskins lymphoma and scheduling your spring break in Chernobyl might just be the best thing for that thyroid cancer – consuming more of the thing that hurts you just makes sense! Now everyone nod and agree!

Since I keep bees, I have my own honey that contains local pollen. In early April I tried eating my own bees’ honey. “It’s working! Local honey immunotherapy is a thing that works!” I screamed at a flower. As the season progressed, I realized I had judged far too quickly to start yelling to plants about something I didn’t know very much about. Honey with tea, twice a day was not keeping the face faucet monster away.

The honey immunotherapy kind of worked while I was actually consuming the honey. Naturally I filled a human sized hampster water bottle full of honey over my desk at work. My boss was totally on board with my productivity increase. However, work was not supportive of me purchasing a life sized hamster wheel with my AMEX and mounting it to the wall so I could blow off some that extra energy.

This immunotherapy just wasn’t working.

I went to my bees to get some answers.

Upon arrival, I threw a jar of honey at my bee hive, shattering glass and honey everywhere. “This stuff is busted!” I yelled at them.

The bees quickly began sucking up the honey and putting it in storage and worked together to fly the glass pieces to the recycle bin. One bee asked me to explain what all the fuss was about.

“Make the kind of honey that makes my eye lids not hurt and mucus pour out all of my head holes!” I demanded.

The bee answered, “Aren’t you the guy that makes us think that our hive is on fire and rips the roof off of our house every other week? Why would we want to help you?”

“You wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me. I’m your dad and you do as I say. Make me immunotherapy honey, now!”

All of the bees started laughing at me with their little bee laughs. “Haha, whatever man! Don’t believe everything you read online!”

The worker jumped on to my veil, laughing and wagging her stinger at me. When she did, a puff of pollen flew at my face and I sneezed. The spray atomized through my veil and soaked the whole hive. The bees got right to work cleaning it up.

“Gross you sick bastard!” she said and flipped me the bird. “I’m going to tell the qu- CHOO!” The little bee made a cute tiny sneeze. Suddenly all of the bees started sneezing in a cacophony of cute bee sneezes.

“AH HA!” I told the bees. “That’s called histamine! And now your little bee bodies think the air is poison too. Now you really need to make some immunotherapy honey if you want to survive!”

After only a few moments of experiencing my allergies, the worker jumped on my mask again and pleaded for me to do something, anything! “Please!” she said with gross snot dripping down her face. “I can’t see where I’m going! My head feels like it’s going to explode and I don’t have enough hands to itch all 5 of my eyes!”

I considered her plea. I thought of the middle ages and building a little bee guillotine to help all of the bees out of their misery. But a hive of little headless bees sounded frightening, so I did the only thing I knew to do how when my antihistamines aren’t working.

I brought back a few bottles of Sudafed and Mucinex and set them in front of the hive. The bees immediately started going into the bottles, but the stupid workers couldn’t figure out how to get out of the bottle and they started drowning. Now I had two problems on my hands!

So, I shoved a yellow sponge down each bottle and decorated the rim with some flower petals. The sponge wicked up the medicine and the bees began feasting on it. Soon their sneezing slowed down and stopped altogether. The bees all fist pumped to me and let out several hearty bee huzzahs!

As an added benefit the bees brought the Sudafed nectar back to their hive and began storing it in their cells, mixing it with nectar and drying it out with their wings. The honey stores began to fill with a golden red color. It looked like I was going to get my all natural immunotherapy honey after all!

* The villager was allowed to keep his neck… until the villager’s latent demon caused a hypoglycemic diabetic shock after consuming vast amounts of honey the following spring.

**Does not work.


USA Inc. Corporate Citizen Orientation 

A lot of people look forward to having a business man in the white house. He’ll run the country like a corporation, they say. Having worked for a corporation for over a decade, I can say that I’m extremely excited by this proposal. Running the country like a corporation will improve everyone’s life dramatically. Below outlines the details of your benefits package.

Under new management, every citizen will need to be rebadged. Your rfid identification card can be acquired at your local DMV. Your ID must be visibly displayed on your person at all times. The new ID will allow you to gain access to other cities, subject to approval.If you see someone without their badge displayed, contact security immediately. Once you’ve received your ID, you will immediately report to your City Mayor for assignment.

Each City Mayor will be selected by the new Executive Team. Each Mayor will be required to champion the country’s yearly slogan. The 2017 slogan is “Make America Great”. 

All working aged people will be required to maintain employment within their city. Productivity will be monitored through sophisticated tracking technology. Elderly people will be kindly forced into an early Retirement Camp. All non-productive citizens or violators of Country rules will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including termination.

An HR2000 discipline drone will seek out each citizen subject to termination. A Citizen will be given 10 minutes to explain their infraction, which will be recorded and ignored by the robot. Terminations will be carried out every Friday afternoon.

Your job and your family are important to your country. In order to continue to provide great service, there are several ethical rules that all Citizens must follow.

Gifts to Citizens in excess of $100 must be reported to the IRS. 

Weapons are prohibited on Country property.

All computer and cell phone activity will be monitored by the management and are only to be used for Country business. The country reserves the right to change its acceptable use at any time without noticed.

All restroom use will be referred to as a “bio-break”. 

Productivity is the most important measure for the Country. Citizen parents may choose be released from their job site on weekends to interact with their children, however this is strongly discouraged as it decreases productivity and may damage the child’s development.

Citizens will be reimbursed for any travel on behalf of Country business. It is Country policy to use the Big Three chain preferred providers for all travel. Failure to obtain prior authorization from a town Mayor will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination.

All Citizens will be required to complete a yearly physical and obtain a certain amount of fitness points in order to retain mandatory health care coverage. All Citizens will be implanted with a permanent fitness and heart monitor. The Country shall keep your blood sample indefinitely.

All Citizens will be required to complete Annual Citizenship Training. These online modules will ensure each Citizen is provided with mandatory training that will improve their conformity scores and quell individuality uprisings. Mayors will be held responsible for ensuring 99% completion rating for all of these modules and will be the primary focus of the Mayor. A quiz score of 100% is required. Failure may result in “coaching” from an HR2000 compliance drone.

Speaking your mind freely is strongly discouraged. Refer to the Country’s slogan or talking quarterly earnings deck for discussion ideas. Speaking your mind may result in uncomfortable situations or hurt feelings of other Citizens. These matters are taken very seriously and will be investigated by an HR2000. Substantiated claims will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination. 

Occasionally towns will be redistricted and reorganized. During a reorganization you may be asked to change your responsibilities, or move to a different location. Your new Mayor will select a new home for you and your family based on those homes vacated during the re-org. If you do not like your selection, you are free to apply for citizenship to other countries.

After each reorganization, several small towns will be eliminated. The Citizens will be relocated to a larger city. This will result in increased productivity and improve each state’s mandatory environmental score. All farms will be worked by robots. 

Working at the Country will be very beneficial to all Citizens! At the end of each year, each Citizen will have the opportunity to earn a profit sharing bonus. Congratulations, this is your reward for all of your hard work and compliance which avoids the dispatching of costly HR2000 drones. After the Mayor reviews each Citizen’s compliance scores, 66% of the discretionary credits will be issued to each Citizen based on an incalculable convoluted process which factors in their arbitrary conformity to the Country’s goals and slogans. A Mayor may keep up to 100% of a Citizen’s bonus based on criteria of their choosing. The Executive Team can reverse this decision at any time and terminate your Mayor and bonus structure without notice.

A Mayor who fails to uphold all of the Country’s goals and slogans will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including termination. Anyone on the Executive Team who displeases the President can be terminated without cause.

Thank you for joining us in USA Incorporated. Your conformance and compliance is mandatory.

If the thought of the businessman bringing about these changes doesn’t appeal to you, rest assured, citizen, that the creeping government involvement in your every day life can also be attained by voting for the corrupt woman politician. Voting for either will have us skipping merrily towards the singularly of the black hole of progressive totalitarian human control. 

So get out there and vote Corporate Citizen, like your life, liberty, pursuit of happiness inflated sense of an ever increasing minimum set of human requirements depends upon it!

I Made the Robot Angry

Caller: Hi. I’m Meg. We’re offering security systems for your home at no cost to you… Now tell me, how long have you lived at your home?

Me: Oh I don’t have a lot of time here.

Meg: I’m sorry I didn’t catch that.

Me: I said I’m just getting lunch around.

Megbot: (Long pause) So how do you rent or own your system?

Me: Well I own my lunch. I don’t think anyone would want it back after I’m done with it.

Megbot: No, I am a real person.

Me: Me too. But I normally don’t have to go around telling everyone.

Megbot: I take my job very seriously. It sounds like you’re not interested. Good bye!

Me: Bye robot!

Introvert Thought Processing Facility

After reading Susan Cain’s book Quiet: the power of something something, I realized that all introverts aren’t weird, shy people. The main difference between introverts and extroverts is that the introvert spends much more time in their head. An extrovert can allow any rough turd of an idea to tumble from their mouth without any consideration of its effect. They’ll say things like “Kim Kardashian is so funny!” “I like shoes!” or “My scatterbrained opinion is useful to this conversation!”

For an introvert this thought-to-speech fast-track not possible*, because each thought must go through a rigorous polishing and vetting procedure before allowing the Thought to make the journey to the mouth. Here’s how it works.

Every Thought is mined out of the Thought Cavern’s of an introvert’s mind.  At this time, the Thought is much too large and rough to be sent to the mouth for speech. The Thought is placed on a conveyor belt and sent to the Thought Processing Facility for where it will be refined and possibly approved for the speech. Only the best thoughts are considered for refining.

Upon reaching the Thought Processing Facility, each Thought is tumbled in a sand mixture until the edges are smooth enough and all of the superfluous, “chatty” information is removed. From there the Thought is organized and sent to an orator. The orator rehearses the Thought in front of a mirror for some time (hours, months, years).  Then the orator presents the Thought to a panel of experts. Each expert represents a department: Relevance, Tactfulness, Facts, Time to Execute the Speech, Level of Intelligence of the group, Current Political Climate of the group, Gender and Age Appropriateness, Possibility of Being Overheard, Possibility of being taken out of Context, Future Implications, Further Research Required, and The General Paranoia Departments. After the Thought is presented, each expert begins asking questions and suggest ways that the the Thought could be improved or request that the thought be denied the chance of speech. Once this exhaustive process has been completed (a Thought can be in the system from anywhere from microseconds to years), a vote is held and the fate of the Thought is determined. With a 2/3 majority vote from the panel of experts, the thought will be approved for verbal speech. FYI: The General Paranoia Department has full veto power.

So with a 2/3 majority approval, just like a bill turned law, the Thought becomes approved for Speech. The Speech is written on a piece of paper and leaves the safety of the brain in the hands of a neuro-courier. The courier has the most difficult mission of all because the path from the brain to the mouth is a dangerous trek down the sinus cavity.

First the courier must take the Speech past the eyes. The eyes act the same as the Sphynx Gate from The Neverending Story. The courier must run as fast as possible to get past the eyes, but speed alone is not enough. If the courier is not confident in the Speech, the eyes will shoot lasers at him and blast the Speech completely out of existence. This laser blast can cause upper sinus problems in an introvert and may which further impede speech.

Next the courier takes the Speech through the dangers and traps of the Nasal Caverns. The Nasal Caverns are home to the Nose Goblins which are tasked at slowing the courier down and ripping the Speech away. The Speech is ridiculed and the goblins cackle at the possibility that the Thought was about to be spoken. A weak courier will abandon all hope and run back to the safety of the brain. Only the most courageous courier will escape the goblin army and reach the mouth safely.

Finally, after a long hard-fought journey, the Thought-made-Speech, if worthy, has arrived at the mouth. (You’ll notice your introvert is now red, sweating, and pale from all of that work). The courier is tasked with ensuring the thought is in proper order before handing the Speech to the Musician who thrums out the Speech on the Vocal Chords. Unfortunately, due to the difficult journey, the Speech is often scrambled and torn and the courier must paste the Speech back together quickly (before the goblins comes back) to the point it looks like a ransom note. This is why a you may hear an introvert choke out something stupid like, “Um I think, um well we could do it better, but well I guess the way he said it sounded ok so, never mind, what he said was good, you’re good you’re good, never mind… Yeah.”

Of course the introvert thinks that they’ve delivered gold, after such a long journey, and will stand there beaming, awaiting the accolades for the contribution to the conversation. But the success is short lived when all of the people stare blankly at the introvert. An alert system is triggered
*Awkward Silence Alert 5 Seconds*
*Awkward Silence Alert 10 Seconds*

Fortunately, The Vocal Chord Musician has access to an emergency stock of statements, catch phrases, and non sequesters that can be used in such an emergency. Something like “I like carrots!” can be exclaimed to save the day before running away from all human beings so the Thought Process can be recharged (1 to 24 hours).

*Introverts can bypass this process by raising the level of the Alcohol River which allows thoughts to rocket directly from the brain to the mouth on the Jetboat Inebriation. Check your work handbook for policies.