USA Inc. Corporate Citizen Orientation 

A lot of people look forward to having a business man in the white house. He’ll run the country like a corporation, they say. Having worked for a corporation for over a decade, I can say that I’m extremely excited by this proposal. Running the country like a corporation will improve everyone’s life dramatically. Below outlines the details of your benefits package.

Under new management, every citizen will need to be rebadged. Your rfid identification card can be acquired at your local DMV. Your ID must be visibly displayed on your person at all times. The new ID will allow you to gain access to other cities, subject to approval.If you see someone without their badge displayed, contact security immediately. Once you’ve received your ID, you will immediately report to your City Mayor for assignment.

Each City Mayor will be selected by the new Executive Team. Each Mayor will be required to champion the country’s yearly slogan. The 2017 slogan is “Make America Great”. 

All working aged people will be required to maintain employment within their city. Productivity will be monitored through sophisticated tracking technology. Elderly people will be kindly forced into an early Retirement Camp. All non-productive citizens or violators of Country rules will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including termination.

An HR2000 discipline drone will seek out each citizen subject to termination. A Citizen will be given 10 minutes to explain their infraction, which will be recorded and ignored by the robot. Terminations will be carried out every Friday afternoon.

Your job and your family are important to your country. In order to continue to provide great service, there are several ethical rules that all Citizens must follow.

Gifts to Citizens in excess of $100 must be reported to the IRS. 

Weapons are prohibited on Country property.

All computer and cell phone activity will be monitored by the management and are only to be used for Country business. The country reserves the right to change its acceptable use at any time without noticed.

All restroom use will be referred to as a “bio-break”. 

Productivity is the most important measure for the Country. Citizen parents may choose be released from their job site on weekends to interact with their children, however this is strongly discouraged as it decreases productivity and may damage the child’s development.

Citizens will be reimbursed for any travel on behalf of Country business. It is Country policy to use the Big Three chain preferred providers for all travel. Failure to obtain prior authorization from a town Mayor will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination.

All Citizens will be required to complete a yearly physical and obtain a certain amount of fitness points in order to retain mandatory health care coverage. All Citizens will be implanted with a permanent fitness and heart monitor. The Country shall keep your blood sample indefinitely.

All Citizens will be required to complete Annual Citizenship Training. These online modules will ensure each Citizen is provided with mandatory training that will improve their conformity scores and quell individuality uprisings. Mayors will be held responsible for ensuring 99% completion rating for all of these modules and will be the primary focus of the Mayor. A quiz score of 100% is required. Failure may result in “coaching” from an HR2000 compliance drone.

Speaking your mind freely is strongly discouraged. Refer to the Country’s slogan or talking quarterly earnings deck for discussion ideas. Speaking your mind may result in uncomfortable situations or hurt feelings of other Citizens. These matters are taken very seriously and will be investigated by an HR2000. Substantiated claims will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination. 

Occasionally towns will be redistricted and reorganized. During a reorganization you may be asked to change your responsibilities, or move to a different location. Your new Mayor will select a new home for you and your family based on those homes vacated during the re-org. If you do not like your selection, you are free to apply for citizenship to other countries.

After each reorganization, several small towns will be eliminated. The Citizens will be relocated to a larger city. This will result in increased productivity and improve each state’s mandatory environmental score. All farms will be worked by robots. 

Working at the Country will be very beneficial to all Citizens! At the end of each year, each Citizen will have the opportunity to earn a profit sharing bonus. Congratulations, this is your reward for all of your hard work and compliance which avoids the dispatching of costly HR2000 drones. After the Mayor reviews each Citizen’s compliance scores, 66% of the discretionary credits will be issued to each Citizen based on an incalculable convoluted process which factors in their arbitrary conformity to the Country’s goals and slogans. A Mayor may keep up to 100% of a Citizen’s bonus based on criteria of their choosing. The Executive Team can reverse this decision at any time and terminate your Mayor and bonus structure without notice.

A Mayor who fails to uphold all of the Country’s goals and slogans will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including termination. Anyone on the Executive Team who displeases the President can be terminated without cause.

Thank you for joining us in USA Incorporated. Your conformance and compliance is mandatory.

If the thought of the businessman bringing about these changes doesn’t appeal to you, rest assured, citizen, that the creeping government involvement in your every day life can also be attained by voting for the corrupt woman politician. Voting for either will have us skipping merrily towards the singularly of the black hole of progressive totalitarian human control. 

So get out there and vote Corporate Citizen, like your life, liberty, pursuit of happiness inflated sense of an ever increasing minimum set of human requirements depends upon it!

Corn Starch Ants

I recently read that cornmeal can kill ants.  Ants think cornmeal is extremely tasty and finding it is a rare treat.  They bring it back to the nest by the truckload where it is enjoyed by all.  Unfortunately they can’t digest it and it makes them really bloated so they can’t escape the ant hole anymore to get real food.  Then they all die. It would be like you finding a large bag of Taco Bell on the sidewalk and bringing it in to the office for all of your coworkers to enjoy.  Sure you’re a temporary hero for bringing in food for the whole office, but productivity quickly drops from the digestion issues and food poisoning from the meat that was sitting in the sun.

Shortly after reading that article I found a colony of ants, precariously close to the house.  I went inside to see if I had cornmeal to try this trick, but I only had corn starch. “Corn is corn!” I said and brought the container of potential poison out to the ants.

I poured a thin line of corn starch in the obvious path of the ants between my house and their home.  Instantly I saw a traffic jam as the ants’ pheromone path was interrupted.  Also, the ants refused to cross over the mound to reach the other side, and began trying to find the long path around the white wall.  They wouldn’t eat the starch, but it certainly screwed up their routine.  When I saw they had connected the two sides I increased the length of the wall, forming the Great Wall of Corn Starch, indefinitely separating haploids from diploids and soldiers from their Queen.

Mildly satisfied with disrupting the colony’s production line, I went to go back inside to look for real poison when the curious neighbor kid came over to see what I was doing.  I explained to him how the pheromone trail worked because the ants can smell which way the food is (in my house).  “Neat!  I wanna smell it!”  He got down on his hands and knees to smell the trail.

“I wanna smell it too!” his brother jumped off of his big wheel and tried to smell the trail.

They both came up coughing, with white corn starch all over their faces.  “I don’t like ant smells!” said the older.  “It smells like burning!” said the younger.

Their mom came out of her garage and noticed her kids bothering me again.  “What are you guys doing over there?” she yelled.

“We’re smelling the ant lines that Dan showed us!” said the older kid, wiping his nose off and getting corn starch on his hands and shirt.

“It makes me feel funny!” the younger said, getting back on his big wheel, which he drove out into the street.

She looked horrified when she got a good look at their faces.  She started yelling at her kids to get away from my house.  That was good old fashioned parenting.  Her son screamed and ran wildly towards the house.  The younger kid was doing donuts in the street.  She walked closer to me and saw the Great Wall of Corn Starch.  I smiled proudly.

Then she started using cuss words at me, which was not very neighborly.  When she was done cussing, I told her that I was just experimenting when her kids came over and started asking questions.  I also told her how disappointed I was that her kids didn’t know about pheromone trails because I learned that when I was 6-year-old from Reading Rainbow.  She stared at me as if she had no idea what I was talking about, so I started to sing “Butterfly in the sky.”  I gestured for her to jump in when she recalled the words, “I can fly twice as high…”  Suddenly she punched me in the face.

That’s the last thing I remembered before waking up to a number of police cars and ambulances.  There was a lot of explaining to do.

Manning 2 Manning: The Sitcom

S01E1: Pilot

Peyton arrives at Eli’s New Jersey condo sporting his new Jet’s gear and asks if he can stay for awhile.  Peyton soon learns that he was cut from the Jets and tries to keep it secret.  Peyton convinces Eli to go to the gym.  Peyton uses many hilarious methods to prevent Eli from seeing the gym TVs which are all reporting about his being cut. Peyton throws a weight at the TV when it appears that Eli might see the news.  The manager kicks the brothers out of the gym.  Peyton intentionally crashes Eli’s car when Eli tries to tune the radio to Sport Center.  Abby pressures Eli to get Peyton to search for an apartment.

S01E02: The Jersey

Abby accidentally ruins Peyton’s Jet’s jersey in the washing machine.  She holds the jersey behind her back when Peyton comes looking for it.  Abby tries to fix it but only makes things worse when she sews the sleeve shut.  She tries to hide the jersey but their dog, Chester, steals it from the laundry basket.  Meanwhile, Peyton keeps changing the channel to 2 Broke Girls when Eli is trying to watch The Voice.   Chester jumps on the couch with Peyton’s ruined jersey and Peyton threatens the dog while Eli holds him back.  Abby guiltily watches from the kitchen while Eli disciplines the dog.  Abby continues to pressure Eli to kick Peyton out.  Later, Eli gathers enough courage to ask Peyton to move when he overhears Peyton on the phone talking about getting cut from the team.  Abby and Eli reluctantly accept Peyton as their new roommate.  Peyton finishes watching 2 Broke Girls with the whole family.  Chester eyes Peyton from his kennel.

S01E06: Cooper Visits

Eli is upset at Peyton for being 3 weeks late on the rent.  Peyton assures Eli he will get the money but more importantly he excitedly reveals that Cooper is coming to town.  Eli and Peyton take Cooper out to dinner and end up at a dive bar.  The brothers try to get Cooper to confess who is the better quarterback.  Peyton attempts to win Cooper over by buying rounds of shots for the entire bar.  Eli is noticeably perturbed by Peyton’s use of money.  Eli drinks too much and passes out.  Eli wakes up on the condo roof in his underwear.  Peyton and Cooper lie to Abby about Eli’s whereabouts and she threatens to call the police.  Eli attempts to keep his sanity by talking to a nest of attentive baby birds about his situation with Peyton.  Chester bites Peyton in the crotch.

Manning 2 Manning - This fall on NBC

 

 

 

Fat Ducks

Every time it rains the ducks come to my house.  The utility easement floods a little and makes kind of a pond that attracts the ducks.  There are two ducks that fly into my backyard for a bath, but more importantly to feast on the seeds thrown out of the feeder by the smaller birds. Ducks’ webbed feed can’t wrap around the little sticks on the feeder.

Ducks also can’t fit on the feeder because they are too fat.  Ducks are too fat because they eat too much.  The female duck that lands at my house is fat because she won’t stop eating.  Her weak-kneed husband’s will is no match for his wife’s insatiable desire to feed.

The husband duck stands sentry while his mess-of-a-wife gobbles down duck bill after duck bill of seed, mulch, fertilizer, and bugs.  The male duck never eats anything.  He patiently waits until they hear a noise or the neighbor dog starts to chase them.  He’s a good man, but needs to stand up for himself.  They usually get a good 30 minutes of uninterrupted feeding.  Sometimes the male sounds the alarm only to realize the noise is his wife banging her head against the feeder pole in order to dispense more food.

I can only imagine their daily conversations go like this:

Male: Such a wonderful day for flying.  With the wind beneath our wings we can go anywhere our hearts desire.

Female: MMMMM.  I’M HUNGRY!

Male: Uh, why we just ate moments ago.

Female: LETS GO BACK TO THAT ONE HOUSE! WITH THE FOOD!

Male: My dear, have you already digested the salamander I spent so much time –

Female: OH THERE IT IS! THE FOOD HOUSE! LOOK OUT OTHER BIRDS! HERE I COME!

Male: Uhg.

I didn’t know that ducks ate bird seeds.  I found out that birds are omnivorous which means they really prefer people food.  Now, when I see the ducks come, I search the fridge for the things that they really want to eat.  They get steaks, chicken wings, dinner rolls and butter, loaded baked potatoes, cheese dip, nachos, tacos, and french fries.  A real American meal.  I even take the time to set souffle cups of ranch dressing (fat girl ketchup) for dipping the fries and wings.  It’s so funny to watch the duck dip its little bill into the ranch dressing with a hunk of chicken wing hanging out of her mouth, buffalo sauce covering her cheeks.

Oh yeah, the male still won’t eat any of the “omnivore” food.  I’m starting to think that the male duck isn’t a real man.  I went out and tried to high five him and I threw a football to him but he ran away like a girl!  We (the female duck and I) convinced him to throw the football back but he couldn’t even throw a spiral.  What a sissy!  The female duck and I just laughed at him while he hung his head in shame.  She told him to wait in the utility easement pond while she finished feeding.  What a lame duck.

Hoarders and Spaceships

Hoarders are quite simply the greatest invention since schizophrenia.  Hoarders are an important part of the human food chain.  They are the “green” people doing the work that most “green” people won’t do.  They keep garbage out of the landfills by filling it up in their homes.

Are you a hoarder?  A&E has a show for you to watch.  Or you can answer these questions.  Look in your sink for a pad of paper and grab a pen out of your refrigerator and follow along on your computer that is stuffed in the couch cushions!

The Hoarder Quiz:

Do you need a collection of nesting dolls?  Did your grandson buy you those nesting dolls so you can’t bear to part with them?  Do you need boxes to put your nesting dolls in?  Do you need a box to put your nesting doll boxes in?  Does that box fit into another box?  That goes on top of your mountain of trash bags in the kitchen? Do you use a garbage bag filled with cooked spaghetti instead of a pillow?  Are your walls made out of newspapers and magazines?  Is the “best part of waking up” kicking up the effervescent smell of coffee grounds between your toes when you walk from your bed (in the bathtub) to the living room?

When a hoarder dies, the family mourns with a bonfire.  The bonfire is fueled by the entire hoarding house.  The fire serves as a monumental reminder to the “you can’t take it with you…” saying.  Even insurance companies encourage this practice by rewarding full insurance money because nobody wants go into a hoarder’s home.

Every year my neighborhood association has a Hoarder’s Convention.  This is a ritual where we lure hoarders into our homes so they can take the garbage that we have accidentally collected over the years.  We set up tables in our garages and nicely present the items that we no longer want.  The kicker to the whole thing is that they will pay us to take this garbage away!

This year is the first year that I have participated in the hoarder’s convention.  After living in a house for 5 years you can build up a lot of junk.  Five years is the tipping point and the junk pressure must be released or pre-hoarder syndrome sets in.

At 7:30 AM on Friday the trap was set.  The garage door opened and didn’t close until after 4 PM.  Hoarders crawled over everything with their little hands and creepy hair for hours, nonstop.

Sometimes (it’s so cute) they will ask if they can have that bag of candles or an old lamp for 25 cents instead of the advertised 50 cents.  Little do they know, that the bottom line on each item is $0.00.  We neighbors wink and nod at each other after each sale and then gossip about the hoarders when it’s all over.

Below is one such hoarder’s tale.


Spaceship

A haunting reminder of that night...

I was trying to get rid of my broken HD antenna (there is no difference between an HD antenna and old style rabbit ears by the way).  One woman said that my antenna reminded her of the spaceships in her dreams.

“Oh really?” I inquired.

“Yeah, I have a reoccurring dream about a spaceship that looks just like that!”

“Please continue,” I pressed.

“Well…” She motioned me closer. She then looked both ways to make sure “they” weren’t watching.  “I’ll tell you the honest to God truth.  I was out getting cigarettes one night.  I live out in the country.  I had 6 kids in the car with me.  Then, I got to my son’s house and floating above it was this giant triangular spacecraft!”

“That’s amazing. Tell me more.” I said.

“Well the thing took off, zoom!, faster than anything you ever seen!  I got back and told my sister about it and she called me drunk!  I hadn’t been drinkin!” she leveled with me.

With kids in the car!?

“I hadn’t drunk one drop that night.  So, my sister, she don’t believe me.  She takes them kids one at a time and interrogates them in a separate room.  And you know what?

The kids said you were drunk?

“They told her all the same story!” She poked me in the chest.

That you are the alien?

I sensed opportunity.

“Well I can tell you,” I said, “that I have not seen an alien craft over my house or had an alien dream since I bought these Christmas knickknacks and this set of dishes. They seem to provide adequate alien prevention and coverage. And for you, fellow believer, I could part with them for only $5.”

She bought all of my alien prevention items.  And that is the honest to God truth.

Meth House

I don't dare go outside anymore

I don't dare go outside anymore

Over the last week, people have been looking at the house behind me.  It’s been foreclosed on for a few months and hasn’t moved yet.  I keep hoping that someone forgets to lock the back door so I can be a do-it-yourself-Realtor and show myself around.

After all, I want to see what made the white trash deadbeat guys, who used to live there, tick.  Before they were evicted, and they took the electric meter with them, I noticed some of their hobbies.  They included: not mowing the lawn, leaving their basset hound tied to a tree for hours, beating their dog, and also selling drugs.  I didn’t find out until they were gone that I once had a swat team in my backyard to do the raid.

It took a drunk Greg to tell me that they were also making drugs.  I thought it was your friendly neighborhood pot dealer house, but I guess it was also a meth house – literally in my backyard.  I’m kind of upset that the meth house never exploded like you hear about on TV.  They just don’t make meth houses like they used to…

If nobody else buys it...

Someday...

Despite the former drug house, I still live in a safe and nice neighborhood with lots of kids and a relatively stable housing market, but I think a meth house explosion would have made things a lot more exciting.

SATURDAY SATURDAY SATURDAY!  We are blowing the roof off housing costs!  RED HOT Deals in the subdivision!  We’ll sell you the whole house, but you’ll only get the foundation!!! SATURDAY SATURDAY SS-SS-SS-SATURDAY!

Maybe next time.

I hope somebody buys that house soon.  I told Allie that if nobody buys it before the end of the year, I am going to raze it, pour a helipad, and learn to fly a helicopter.

It would be a shame to have to make true on the promise.  I don’t think you’re allowed to put guns on private helicopters.

Sign Land

People in my neighborhood love to put signs out to remind me of things.  Sometimes they want to remind me of who is running for politics.  Sometimes they want to tell me where they go to church or send their kids to school (a great idea!).  Sometimes they like to provide public service suggestions to me.
Kids Cant Drive!

Kid's Can't Drive!

I noticed this sign when I was jogging.  It’s lucky I had not been driving because I had to get right up to it to figure out what they were trying to say. With so many colors, and a picture of a girl that I didn’t know if she lived in the neighborhood or not; I probably would have crashed my car into a kid trying to read it.

When I went up to the sign I tried to click on the “Learn more” button but it would not provide any more information and I ended up poking a hole into the other side.  Now it says “earn more”. I think the meaning is that you “earn more” points for each kid you hit with your car, but I don’t know because I have yet to score in this new game.

Ok, so all joking aside, I “understand” new sign campaign for “real”.  Kids like to throw darts at cars so you should watch out for kid-dart-mafias. I get it.  But I already knew that and didn’t need a sign to tell me.  I wish my neighbors would pick some more vital information to tell me about when they decide to hang a message between metal wires in the ground.

My start

Helping out the hood

If everyone starts to do this we will live in greater harmony, and by that virtue the housing foreclosure market will be saved!