Children of the Corn

I went to an Amish farm and had to find something out in their field for work.  Work says that we are supposed to turn off our trucks and lock the doors when we get out, but Amish people don’t know how to drive or steal cars (because it says in their Bible) so I left it running with the AC cranked to help prevent global warming inside of the truck.

I normally don’t have to walk through horse farms for work, but today was different.  I followed a little map over 3 fences and down a narrow lane.  The lane was fenced off on both sides with gates that allowed you to access other farm parts. On my way down, I got to pass about 7 horses.  Some of them looked at me and others came over to smell me.  The ones that smelled me, I pet on the nose and I felt closer to nature.

I found what I was looking for beyond a gate, which I closed behind me, while a mom and child horse watched me.

TerrorWhen I returned, the mom and child were still there, waiting and hoping that I had brought them some good food or something!  When I didn’t produce  a carrot or a bag of oats, the mom horse blocked me from getting through the gate by hitting it with her butt.

Well I’m human lady, so I tried to jump over the fence.  I grabbed on to the top of the fence to leap over but was surprised by a jolt of Amish electricity, from God, shooting through my two arms.  It hurt, but not terribly and knocked me on my rump.  Luckily the mom horse was still touching the metal fence with her butt and when I grabbed on to the wire, it touched the fence, so she enjoyed the same jolt as I did.  The mom horse whined and cleared the way for my escape.

I got through the gate but the mom horse was now pissed.  She and the child began to walk slowly towards me as I backed down the horse lane.  I was surrounded by fences on both sides, and this lane was my only escape.  I walked past more horses.  When the mom horse saw her horse friends, she said something to them in horse and told them to start following me.

Slowly and deliberately, being careful not to arouse an all out trampling, I continued to back down the lane as more horses began to follow in a slow, frightening cadence that suggested I leave as soon as possible.

There were 8 horses on my tail and only one more to pass before I could escape.  The last horse was the grand dad horse.  He had shaggy gray fur and a great white face topped off with a whiter star on his forehead.  I had gained some distance on the other horses, but they continued to close.  I attempted to pass grand dad on the right, but he placed his body in the way.  I tried to pass on the left steering clear of his razor sharp hooves, but he ran in my way on that side too.  I looked back.  The other horses, moving at a zombie pace, were still closing.  I turned around to give grand dad another try when I was met with his horse face, clobbering me in the human face.

I fell on my back yet again.  Grand dad reared up on his hind legs over my limp body.  Grand dad moved to smash me with his hooves when I noticed that one of the rails on the bottom of the fence was bent up.  I rolled underneath just as the great hooves met the ground in a cake of dust.

Realizing that I was free from their hoovy clutches, all of the horses cantered to the location of my escape.  Mom horse put one hoof on the top of the fence and shook the other at me as if to say, “I’ll get you next time!”

Huffing and puffing and dirty as hell, I took my time crossing over the other fences (horse free) as I made my way back to the truck.

Crossing the last gate, I saw a bunch of Amish kids, bonnets and suspenders, crawling all over my truck!  Outside one of them was talking on my cell phone.  A girl was texting someone.  (I later found out it was a video message of my horse adventure.)  There was a boy and girl inside of my truck on my computer using my broadband card.  I found them on facebook changing my status to “…is a stupid city boy who can’t escape from the horses!!!”  I also saw twitter open on another tab that they were using to send up-to-date photos of my horse folly.

“GET OUT OF HERE!” I screamed at the Amish kids, “You aren’t allow to use this stuff!” They explained to me, as long as they don’t own it, they are allowed to use anything they find.  So I took some stuff out of the back of the truck for them to find.  As I drove off they were playing with a can of paint, a pair of pliers, and a solar powered Casio calculator which I taught them how to make it spell HELLO and BOOBS.

As I drove off, I stole their souls.