USA Inc. Corporate Citizen Orientation 

A lot of people look forward to having a business man in the white house. He’ll run the country like a corporation, they say. Having worked for a corporation for over a decade, I can say that I’m extremely excited by this proposal. Running the country like a corporation will improve everyone’s life dramatically. Below outlines the details of your benefits package.

Under new management, every citizen will need to be rebadged. Your rfid identification card can be acquired at your local DMV. Your ID must be visibly displayed on your person at all times. The new ID will allow you to gain access to other cities, subject to approval.If you see someone without their badge displayed, contact security immediately. Once you’ve received your ID, you will immediately report to your City Mayor for assignment.

Each City Mayor will be selected by the new Executive Team. Each Mayor will be required to champion the country’s yearly slogan. The 2017 slogan is “Make America Great”. 

All working aged people will be required to maintain employment within their city. Productivity will be monitored through sophisticated tracking technology. Elderly people will be kindly forced into an early Retirement Camp. All non-productive citizens or violators of Country rules will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including termination.

An HR2000 discipline drone will seek out each citizen subject to termination. A Citizen will be given 10 minutes to explain their infraction, which will be recorded and ignored by the robot. Terminations will be carried out every Friday afternoon.

Your job and your family are important to your country. In order to continue to provide great service, there are several ethical rules that all Citizens must follow.

Gifts to Citizens in excess of $100 must be reported to the IRS. 

Weapons are prohibited on Country property.

All computer and cell phone activity will be monitored by the management and are only to be used for Country business. The country reserves the right to change its acceptable use at any time without noticed.

All restroom use will be referred to as a “bio-break”. 

Productivity is the most important measure for the Country. Citizen parents may choose be released from their job site on weekends to interact with their children, however this is strongly discouraged as it decreases productivity and may damage the child’s development.

Citizens will be reimbursed for any travel on behalf of Country business. It is Country policy to use the Big Three chain preferred providers for all travel. Failure to obtain prior authorization from a town Mayor will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination.

All Citizens will be required to complete a yearly physical and obtain a certain amount of fitness points in order to retain mandatory health care coverage. All Citizens will be implanted with a permanent fitness and heart monitor. The Country shall keep your blood sample indefinitely.

All Citizens will be required to complete Annual Citizenship Training. These online modules will ensure each Citizen is provided with mandatory training that will improve their conformity scores and quell individuality uprisings. Mayors will be held responsible for ensuring 99% completion rating for all of these modules and will be the primary focus of the Mayor. A quiz score of 100% is required. Failure may result in “coaching” from an HR2000 compliance drone.

Speaking your mind freely is strongly discouraged. Refer to the Country’s slogan or talking quarterly earnings deck for discussion ideas. Speaking your mind may result in uncomfortable situations or hurt feelings of other Citizens. These matters are taken very seriously and will be investigated by an HR2000. Substantiated claims will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination. 

Occasionally towns will be redistricted and reorganized. During a reorganization you may be asked to change your responsibilities, or move to a different location. Your new Mayor will select a new home for you and your family based on those homes vacated during the re-org. If you do not like your selection, you are free to apply for citizenship to other countries.

After each reorganization, several small towns will be eliminated. The Citizens will be relocated to a larger city. This will result in increased productivity and improve each state’s mandatory environmental score. All farms will be worked by robots. 

Working at the Country will be very beneficial to all Citizens! At the end of each year, each Citizen will have the opportunity to earn a profit sharing bonus. Congratulations, this is your reward for all of your hard work and compliance which avoids the dispatching of costly HR2000 drones. After the Mayor reviews each Citizen’s compliance scores, 66% of the discretionary credits will be issued to each Citizen based on an incalculable convoluted process which factors in their arbitrary conformity to the Country’s goals and slogans. A Mayor may keep up to 100% of a Citizen’s bonus based on criteria of their choosing. The Executive Team can reverse this decision at any time and terminate your Mayor and bonus structure without notice.

A Mayor who fails to uphold all of the Country’s goals and slogans will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including termination. Anyone on the Executive Team who displeases the President can be terminated without cause.

Thank you for joining us in USA Incorporated. Your conformance and compliance is mandatory.

If the thought of the businessman bringing about these changes doesn’t appeal to you, rest assured, citizen, that the creeping government involvement in your every day life can also be attained by voting for the corrupt woman politician. Voting for either will have us skipping merrily towards the singularly of the black hole of progressive totalitarian human control. 

So get out there and vote Corporate Citizen, like your life, liberty, pursuit of happiness inflated sense of an ever increasing minimum set of human requirements depends upon it!

Paula Hughes for Mayor

It seems like everyday I get a phone call and a postcard from a lady named Paula Hughes.  Her husband doesn’t know about it so I wanted to send him an open letter about the things she’s been telling me and the things she says she’s gonna do to me.

It’s normal for a political candidate to send a few messages and “get the word out” about their desires to live in the mayor’s mansion.  But Paula seems to think everyone in her city has a short term memory and needs a daily reminder about her bloodthirsty aspirations.

So she sends these postcards made from post-consumer 20% off coupons from Bed Bath and Beyond.  They’re huge so you wont miss them.  Some of the other people running for mayor are doing the same thing, but Paula’s always stand out.

Angry Cleaning Lady for MayorThere is an Angry Cleaning Lady on the front of this Bed Bath and Beyond coupon.  You can see her saying, “Vote for Paula!” or saying, “I’m gonna cut you with this knife!” She’s not even holding a knife but I assume if she had one, she would want to cut you with it.  You also see that Paula Hughes’ name in tiny font (so you don’t think that the angry cleaning lady is Paula (I don’t know her name)).

There’s also some BIG words you’re supposed to read so you remember that the Mayor in the city makes more money than the Governor.  In fact it is nearly $30,000 more than the governor at $124,665!  That’s the platform that Paula is running on.  She wants to get in office and immediately give back that $30,000.  “I can’t spend nearly that much money!” she can be heard exclaiming!  She says that the city really needs a new water slide and 5 more pot holes need to be patched and we are exactly $30,000 short of getting these.

The money saved will also help the debt we have of $405 Million.  With the money Paula saves from her salary of $30,000 a year, she will only have to be in office for 13,500 years to pay off the city’s debt. That’s a promise you can count on from Paula Hughes!

That is the extent of her campaign promises.  Rest assured that Paula is a family woman and a soccer mom and she will not use government vehicles to load up the kids for soccer practice because they will get mud on the seats because kids don’t pay attention.

Candidate Cash MachineIf you turn over the postcard there is bonus material on the back.  It’s kind of like alternate endings for a DVD so make sure to read the front of the card before flipping it over (she forgot to write SPOILER ALERT!).

On this side, Paula puts a grainy picture of another lady that wants to be Mayor.  Paula sneaked into the other lady’s birthday party at the Bowling Alley and took some snapshots of when that lady was in the cash booth and dollars were blowing around her head.  You can see the other lady isn’t very happy because she was having trouble catching all of the dollar bills.  “Push them against your body!” everyone was yelling!  But she couldn’t hear because the fan in the cash booth is so loud and she only got like $6.

The ride home from her birthday was rough because she didn’t want to talk to anybody because she was pissed about not catching more dollars.  They didn’t even stop for ice cream.

So if you’re thinking about voting for someone in the primaries, would you vote for the candidate that wouldn’t take her family out for ice cream?  Or will you do the honor of voting for the lady that calls you all of the time and mails out cards that make you mad and annoyed and obviously rip up when you get them?

paid for by Angry Cleaning Ladies of America