New Research! Black Coffee Causes Psychopathic Behavior

Tobias finished charting his spreadsheet and grinned at the results. “Christina, it’s done!” he called.

Christina peered at the monitor and shrieked with joy. “Oh my Gosh! By every account, psychopathic behavior correlates sharply with people who preferred bitter tastes.” She hugged him. “This is our big break Tobias! You pretty up the graphs and I’ll begin the report. Maybe well make it in some science journals!”

“Pffffffffffft! Science journals?” Gunther launched himself towards the two research students from his desk across the room. “Bitter tastes and psychopaths? You guys are putting me to sleep over here!”

“Actually it’s pretty exciting. We’ve been working on this all semester!” Tobias protested and Gunther forced a hand into his face.

“No sugar smacks; your angle’s all wrong. What you’ve got is 100% Grade A pasteurized Click. Bait. First of all what is bitter? Dark chocolate? Black Coffee? People love their coffee. People have strong opinions on their coffee. What you need to do is drive a wedge between people. Paint a picture that pits people who like black coffee against the cream and sugar drinkers. You’ll be all over Facebook, Twitter, morning radio, water coolers, Keurig machines, everywhere! You want grant money? Here it is!” He pantomimed ‘making it rain’.

“Science and research are a thing of the past! This is the new science. Getting your story out as soon as you come to some sort of cursory conclusion is your top priority. The more sensational and divisive the better.” Gunther paused and leaned in whispering, “The more eyes, the better.”

“But, our research doesn’t offer an explanation between black coffee and psychopathy, Gunther!” Christina whined. “This is just a simple ANOVA correlation completed as a study for our undergrad statistics class. We’re hoping to get at least a B+.”

Gunther flapped his hands at Tobias, miming Christina while she talked. He waggled a finger at her, “Click. Bait.” Gunther slipped his sunglasses over his eyes. “Kids I gotta run.” Gunther stormed out of the room howling and chugging the last slug of lukewarm black coffee.

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Whiskey Stones

Whiskey StonesThis Christmas everyone in my family got Whiskey Stones. No, it’s not a contagious, alcohol induced, second cousin to kidney stones. Whiskey Stones are a good thing.

Whiskey stones are an elegant substitute for ice. Since the invention of soap, people have been avoiding mixing rocks and dirt with their foods. Whiskey Stones bring back a man’s primal urges to mix his libations with cold hard minerals and get the earth closer to his mouth.

A few frozen Whiskey Stones can be added to lowball drinks to keep them cold.  Since they are made out of rocks, they will not melt like their inferior competitor, ice. Whiskey Stones can also be microwaved for 30 seconds giving them lasting drink heating power for coffee or tea. The high heat capacity of soapstone gives both hot and cold modes a lasting effect, perfect for slower drinkers and children.

There are rules to using Whiskey Stones:

  1. You never touch Whiskey Stones
  2. You never touch Whiskey Stones!

Learned from experience, microwaved Whiskey Stones reach and sustain a temperature rivaling lava or the sun. Whiskey Stones should only be picked up with welder’s gloves or plutonium tongs after microwaving.  Also, if your frail human body contains over 75% water, do not touch frozen Whiskey Stones or risk making them a permanent member of your phalanges.  I would have 911 at the ready if you’re thinking about putting a frozen Whiskey Stone on your tongue.

Whiskey Stones work as advertised, with subtle effects.  They don’t make drinks as cold as ice, but the fact that they don’t melt means your liquor taste doesn’t change over time.  Wine can also be chilled with the stones.  Only an uncivilized neanderthal would put ice in his wine.  The soficitated gentleman chills his wine with a handful of rocks.

They also do a decent job keeping coffee and tea hot for a longer amount of time. I’m afraid to place frozen stones into a hot drink for fear they’ll shatter, but I’m guessing they would be a suitable, non-water substitute for cooling down your oatmeal or hot chocolate. The only drawback to Whiskey Stones is that you have to wash and dry them before putting them away, which is difficult to do with ice.  However, they win over ice in the fact that there is no practical way to use microwaved ice in a drink.

Whiskey Stones are also environmentally friendly since you don’t have to waste water (save it for the whales).  You’ll realize these savings in about 4000 years.

Available from Sparq or wait until the next time they appear on Woot!