Paula Hughes for Mayor

It seems like everyday I get a phone call and a postcard from a lady named Paula Hughes.  Her husband doesn’t know about it so I wanted to send him an open letter about the things she’s been telling me and the things she says she’s gonna do to me.

It’s normal for a political candidate to send a few messages and “get the word out” about their desires to live in the mayor’s mansion.  But Paula seems to think everyone in her city has a short term memory and needs a daily reminder about her bloodthirsty aspirations.

So she sends these postcards made from post-consumer 20% off coupons from Bed Bath and Beyond.  They’re huge so you wont miss them.  Some of the other people running for mayor are doing the same thing, but Paula’s always stand out.

Angry Cleaning Lady for MayorThere is an Angry Cleaning Lady on the front of this Bed Bath and Beyond coupon.  You can see her saying, “Vote for Paula!” or saying, “I’m gonna cut you with this knife!” She’s not even holding a knife but I assume if she had one, she would want to cut you with it.  You also see that Paula Hughes’ name in tiny font (so you don’t think that the angry cleaning lady is Paula (I don’t know her name)).

There’s also some BIG words you’re supposed to read so you remember that the Mayor in the city makes more money than the Governor.  In fact it is nearly $30,000 more than the governor at $124,665!  That’s the platform that Paula is running on.  She wants to get in office and immediately give back that $30,000.  “I can’t spend nearly that much money!” she can be heard exclaiming!  She says that the city really needs a new water slide and 5 more pot holes need to be patched and we are exactly $30,000 short of getting these.

The money saved will also help the debt we have of $405 Million.  With the money Paula saves from her salary of $30,000 a year, she will only have to be in office for 13,500 years to pay off the city’s debt. That’s a promise you can count on from Paula Hughes!

That is the extent of her campaign promises.  Rest assured that Paula is a family woman and a soccer mom and she will not use government vehicles to load up the kids for soccer practice because they will get mud on the seats because kids don’t pay attention.

Candidate Cash MachineIf you turn over the postcard there is bonus material on the back.  It’s kind of like alternate endings for a DVD so make sure to read the front of the card before flipping it over (she forgot to write SPOILER ALERT!).

On this side, Paula puts a grainy picture of another lady that wants to be Mayor.  Paula sneaked into the other lady’s birthday party at the Bowling Alley and took some snapshots of when that lady was in the cash booth and dollars were blowing around her head.  You can see the other lady isn’t very happy because she was having trouble catching all of the dollar bills.  “Push them against your body!” everyone was yelling!  But she couldn’t hear because the fan in the cash booth is so loud and she only got like $6.

The ride home from her birthday was rough because she didn’t want to talk to anybody because she was pissed about not catching more dollars.  They didn’t even stop for ice cream.

So if you’re thinking about voting for someone in the primaries, would you vote for the candidate that wouldn’t take her family out for ice cream?  Or will you do the honor of voting for the lady that calls you all of the time and mails out cards that make you mad and annoyed and obviously rip up when you get them?

paid for by Angry Cleaning Ladies of America

Grocery Savers Sucks

Granny was bored in retirement so she started cutting coupons.  She was saving a lot of money!  She started telling everyone at church how much money she was saving with her scissors.  “I saved 30 cents on my oxygen masks last week!” she would exclaim in the middle of Sunday Service.

After getting tired of hearing about all the savings, her daughters came over for their yearly Easter visit to find out why old mom wouldn’t stop talking about coupons.  Granny regaled them with hours of savvy savings stories. Her daughters were shocked by the sheer volume of coupons, meticulously stacked like endless towers in her kitchen, living room, bedroom, solarium, and her motor vehicle.

“Mother!  How did you get so many coupons?” one daughter asked.

“I shall show you… but let us enjoy this Easter Sunday in peace.” She paused to rock in her chair.  “Arrive at my home next Sunday morning at 3:00AM sharp and you shall learn the way.”  Then she clicked her teeth together noise and everyone left.

Next Sunday, the girls found themselves outside in the dark, shivering in the bushes of a suburban house down the road from Granny’s home.  Headlights turned and shone down the street of their hiding place.  “There!” whispered Granny. She pointed at the oncoming car.  “Stay hidden.  Don’t make a sound.”

Granny emerged from the bushes and approached the sidewalk.  A man stopped the car, got out, and reached into his popped trunk.  Holding something, he turned and was shocked to see an old woman standing there.  “Whoa!” he said, “You scared me!” and he smiled and moved to place the stack of newspapers on the curb, bending over slightly.

Without saying a word Granny lunged at the man and sunk her dentures deeply into the man’s throat. She pulled back and spit out of mouthful of flesh.

The girls gasped and stood frozen in the shadow of the house. “Well! Come on girls!” Granny crowed.  “Just like old times.”  So the girls ran to the man and feasted on his flesh. With her blood soaked face, Granny looked skyward and howled at the moon.

Then they stole the man’s car full of newspapers.  They carefully removed and kept the Sunday ads from each paper.  They loaded the worthless newspaper into the car and set it on fire.  Some of the girls wheeled the burning car into the river and celebrated with a high five!

This was the day that Grocerysavers.com was born!

Grocery Savers is a website that sells coupons (but only if you are bad at math)!  For only $99.95 a year, Granny and her girls cut out coupons from stolen newspapers and send them to you in the mail.  You’ll be saving so much money that you won’t even notice the $100 up front cost.

Here are the details:

Pick out 48 of your favorite coupons.  Out of those coupons, Granny will pick which ones she thinks you really need.  “He doesn’t need new socks!  I just got him new socks last year!  Here is a coupon for beet flavored denture cream and another one for beets.”

Your coupon savings may add up to around $20.  Since Granny still needs to buy stamps so you’ll pay $2 (10%) for each order (on top of the $100 you already paid).  But Granny and her kind, black heart will nullify that $2 fee by sending you an extra $2 worth of coupons.  That’s a total of $22 worth of coupons for only $2!

You wait by the mailbox for up to 10 days for the coupons to arrive. When finally get your coupons you are disappointed to see that they only sent 22 coupons out of the 48 you selected.  They are coupons you didn’t even order and they are all for Bath Crystals for “$1-off when you buy 20 or more”.

They count this $1 savings as a part of your $20 total. So even though you need to buy 440 jars of bath crystals for the savings $1 savings per lot, they still count that as saving you $22, thus justifying your $2 purchase. After all, you were probably going to buy all of those bath crystals anyway.

Confused? That’s how Granny wants you.  Easier to sink her teeth into a confused person.  Since you already paid $100 you’re compelled to keep getting screwed like this $2 at a time, again and again for the rest of the year.

Lucky for us, we tried a free mail-in trial under a fake name without a credit card.  (Always try things that seem to be a scam with a fake name.)  We told them we wanted to cancel the service but Granny was became irate and wouldn’t have it.  She said we just didn’t understand the service and should try again.  Then she made a biting noise in the phone.

Somewhere Granny is cackling and howling at the moon when she and her daughters go around killing defenseless Sunday morning paper delivery people so you can get your dumb coupons that you didn’t even want.  Remember your $100 yearly pledge is the only thing funding Granny’s plane tickets and denture sharpening tools. Will she be in your town next?