It seems like everyday I get a phone call and a postcard from a lady named Paula Hughes. Her husband doesn’t know about it so I wanted to send him an open letter about the things she’s been telling me and the things she says she’s gonna do to me.
It’s normal for a political candidate to send a few messages and “get the word out” about their desires to live in the mayor’s mansion. But Paula seems to think everyone in her city has a short term memory and needs a daily reminder about her bloodthirsty aspirations.
So she sends these postcards made from post-consumer 20% off coupons from Bed Bath and Beyond. They’re huge so you wont miss them. Some of the other people running for mayor are doing the same thing, but Paula’s always stand out.
There is an Angry Cleaning Lady on the front of this Bed Bath and Beyond coupon. You can see her saying, “Vote for Paula!” or saying, “I’m gonna cut you with this knife!” She’s not even holding a knife but I assume if she had one, she would want to cut you with it. You also see that Paula Hughes’ name in tiny font (so you don’t think that the angry cleaning lady is Paula (I don’t know her name)).
There’s also some BIG words you’re supposed to read so you remember that the Mayor in the city makes more money than the Governor. In fact it is nearly $30,000 more than the governor at $124,665! That’s the platform that Paula is running on. She wants to get in office and immediately give back that $30,000. “I can’t spend nearly that much money!” she can be heard exclaiming! She says that the city really needs a new water slide and 5 more pot holes need to be patched and we are exactly $30,000 short of getting these.
The money saved will also help the debt we have of $405 Million. With the money Paula saves from her salary of $30,000 a year, she will only have to be in office for 13,500 years to pay off the city’s debt. That’s a promise you can count on from Paula Hughes!
That is the extent of her campaign promises. Rest assured that Paula is a family woman and a soccer mom and she will not use government vehicles to load up the kids for soccer practice because they will get mud on the seats because kids don’t pay attention.
If you turn over the postcard there is bonus material on the back. It’s kind of like alternate endings for a DVD so make sure to read the front of the card before flipping it over (she forgot to write SPOILER ALERT!).
On this side, Paula puts a grainy picture of another lady that wants to be Mayor. Paula sneaked into the other lady’s birthday party at the Bowling Alley and took some snapshots of when that lady was in the cash booth and dollars were blowing around her head. You can see the other lady isn’t very happy because she was having trouble catching all of the dollar bills. “Push them against your body!” everyone was yelling! But she couldn’t hear because the fan in the cash booth is so loud and she only got like $6.
The ride home from her birthday was rough because she didn’t want to talk to anybody because she was pissed about not catching more dollars. They didn’t even stop for ice cream.
So if you’re thinking about voting for someone in the primaries, would you vote for the candidate that wouldn’t take her family out for ice cream? Or will you do the honor of voting for the lady that calls you all of the time and mails out cards that make you mad and annoyed and obviously rip up when you get them?