New Research! Black Coffee Causes Psychopathic Behavior

Tobias finished charting his spreadsheet and grinned at the results. “Christina, it’s done!” he called.

Christina peered at the monitor and shrieked with joy. “Oh my Gosh! By every account, psychopathic behavior correlates sharply with people who preferred bitter tastes.” She hugged him. “This is our big break Tobias! You pretty up the graphs and I’ll begin the report. Maybe well make it in some science journals!”

“Pffffffffffft! Science journals?” Gunther launched himself towards the two research students from his desk across the room. “Bitter tastes and psychopaths? You guys are putting me to sleep over here!”

“Actually it’s pretty exciting. We’ve been working on this all semester!” Tobias protested and Gunther forced a hand into his face.

“No sugar smacks; your angle’s all wrong. What you’ve got is 100% Grade A pasteurized Click. Bait. First of all what is bitter? Dark chocolate? Black Coffee? People love their coffee. People have strong opinions on their coffee. What you need to do is drive a wedge between people. Paint a picture that pits people who like black coffee against the cream and sugar drinkers. You’ll be all over Facebook, Twitter, morning radio, water coolers, Keurig machines, everywhere! You want grant money? Here it is!” He pantomimed ‘making it rain’.

“Science and research are a thing of the past! This is the new science. Getting your story out as soon as you come to some sort of cursory conclusion is your top priority. The more sensational and divisive the better.” Gunther paused and leaned in whispering, “The more eyes, the better.”

“But, our research doesn’t offer an explanation between black coffee and psychopathy, Gunther!” Christina whined. “This is just a simple ANOVA correlation completed as a study for our undergrad statistics class. We’re hoping to get at least a B+.”

Gunther flapped his hands at Tobias, miming Christina while she talked. He waggled a finger at her, “Click. Bait.” Gunther slipped his sunglasses over his eyes. “Kids I gotta run.” Gunther stormed out of the room howling and chugging the last slug of lukewarm black coffee.


Secret Tip to Disable the Facebook Messenger App

Billions of phones are being forcefully infected by the latest version of the Facebook Messenger App, which reportedly gives Facebook control of your location*, text messages, and internet state. If you’re like me, you’re concerned about the control and privacy issues. That is, I would be concerned if I hadn’t found out this surprisingly easy to do trick earlier this year. Follow these steps to become free from the iron grip of Facebook.

  1. Locate the Facebook App on your phone or tablet.
  2. Long press on the Facebook app icon.
  3. Either drag the Facebook app to the trash or press the “x” in the top corner.
  4. Delete the Facebook app.

Now you’re free to get back to the frightening world of looking people in the eye or going to the bathroom with just your thoughts. The nagging feeling to constantly check your phone goes away after a week or two. There’s always if you really need a Facebook injection on-the-go.

The above steps are also useful for other apps like Twitter, Pinterest, Candy Crush Saga, Clash of Clans, and any other anxiety inducing applications. Just repeat the steps and return to the living.

* Facebook does not actually control your physical location (yet)

Top Google Searches by Letter

While I was searching for the best words to go along with the letters for the Pop Culture Alphabet (which you should begin using when spelling your name over the phone), Google helped decide which words are the most popular.

Here are the most popular search terms, by letter, in the United States:

Best Buy
Jet Blue
Old Navy

The obvious hack joke here is that we are a society that loves buying stuff, listening to music, social networks, we don’t know how to spell and there are some people that still use Mapquest.

Also, I’d be curious to find out how many people misspelled dictionary, while searching for a dictionary, and were surprised to find that google fixed the spelling for them but went ahead and searched for their word in anyway…

Showing results for dictionary. Search instead for dickshawnary

The strangest popular search was for Q – QWOP.  It’s a game where you guide a handicapped Olympic runner down a track by telling him which neurons to fire and which muscle to control.  My best run was 4.1 meters before crashing headfirst, and bleeding all over the clay.  Urban Dictionary has a much better description.  Given it’s the most searched for Q word on Google, apparently I was the only person who didn’t know about it.

Apparently it’s a 100 meter dash to a long jump. An Olympic first.