Fat Ducks

Every time it rains the ducks come to my house.  The utility easement floods a little and makes kind of a pond that attracts the ducks.  There are two ducks that fly into my backyard for a bath, but more importantly to feast on the seeds thrown out of the feeder by the smaller birds. Ducks’ webbed feed can’t wrap around the little sticks on the feeder.

Ducks also can’t fit on the feeder because they are too fat.  Ducks are too fat because they eat too much.  The female duck that lands at my house is fat because she won’t stop eating.  Her weak-kneed husband’s will is no match for his wife’s insatiable desire to feed.

The husband duck stands sentry while his mess-of-a-wife gobbles down duck bill after duck bill of seed, mulch, fertilizer, and bugs.  The male duck never eats anything.  He patiently waits until they hear a noise or the neighbor dog starts to chase them.  He’s a good man, but needs to stand up for himself.  They usually get a good 30 minutes of uninterrupted feeding.  Sometimes the male sounds the alarm only to realize the noise is his wife banging her head against the feeder pole in order to dispense more food.

I can only imagine their daily conversations go like this:

Male: Such a wonderful day for flying.  With the wind beneath our wings we can go anywhere our hearts desire.


Male: Uh, why we just ate moments ago.


Male: My dear, have you already digested the salamander I spent so much time –


Male: Uhg.

I didn’t know that ducks ate bird seeds.  I found out that birds are omnivorous which means they really prefer people food.  Now, when I see the ducks come, I search the fridge for the things that they really want to eat.  They get steaks, chicken wings, dinner rolls and butter, loaded baked potatoes, cheese dip, nachos, tacos, and french fries.  A real American meal.  I even take the time to set souffle cups of ranch dressing (fat girl ketchup) for dipping the fries and wings.  It’s so funny to watch the duck dip its little bill into the ranch dressing with a hunk of chicken wing hanging out of her mouth, buffalo sauce covering her cheeks.

Oh yeah, the male still won’t eat any of the “omnivore” food.  I’m starting to think that the male duck isn’t a real man.  I went out and tried to high five him and I threw a football to him but he ran away like a girl!  We (the female duck and I) convinced him to throw the football back but he couldn’t even throw a spiral.  What a sissy!  The female duck and I just laughed at him while he hung his head in shame.  She told him to wait in the utility easement pond while she finished feeding.  What a lame duck.


New Pop Culture Alphabet

The Military Alphabet sucks

A: Alpha
B: Bravo
C: Charlie
D: Delta
E: Echo
F: Foxtrot
G: Golf
H: Hotel
I: India
J: Juliet
K: Kilo
L: Lima
M: Mike
N: November
O: Oscar
P: Papa
Q: Quebec
R: Romeo
S: Sierra
T: Tango
U: Uniform
V: Victor
W: Whiskey
X: X-Ray
Y: Yankee
Z: Zulu

Today’s generation can’t comprehend those confusing words.  New pilots usually take 15 minutes to read off their call number to the tower because they simply can’t remember the old words associated with the letters.  What’s a Foxtrot you ask?  There’s no time to look it up when you’ve got a to land a plane or launch a missile.

It has been under-reported that a pilot was sucked out of a hole in the fuselage of a 737 on a recent Southwest flight.  The trainee copilot didn’t know how to land the plane so the head flight attendant had to take control.  Unfortunately, she didn’t know the military alphabet and they ended up landing at the wrong airport.  The flight attendant was fired for safely landing at the wrong airport. An outrage on many levels!

Had the flight attendant known the appropriate codes, she could have easily landed safely at the correct airport in San Diego.  Southwest’s pilots did not think that flight attendants could remember the military alphabet so they never taught it to them.  Fortunately there are many words in the English language that are more readily recognizable to our spastic generation.

Today the FAA and the United States Armed Forces introduced a new alphabet code to make it easier to for all civilians and officials to learn:

A: Amazon
B: Bieber
C: Coors Light
D: Double Rainbow
E: Eminem
F: Facebook
G: Google
H: Handjob
I: Ikea
J: Judge Judy
K: Katy Perry
M: Metallica
N: Netflix
P: Pandora
Q: Quickie
R: Redbox
S: Sheen
T: Twitter
U: Uggs
V: Valtrex
W: Whiskey*
X: Xbox
Y: Youtube
Z: Zumba

Had the flight attendant on Southwest Flight 812 and the tower been on the same page, the conversation may have flowed better:

Flight Attendant: This is Sheen Whiskey Amazon flight Eight One Two on route to Sheen Amazon Netflix requesting emergency landing instructions!

Tower: Eight One Two, go ahead.

Flight Attendant: Our Pilot got sucked out of the roof!  I can’t fly a plane!

Tower: No problem.  It’s just like riding a bike.  We can talk you through a landing at the nearest airport.  Set course at Two Seven Niner to land at Youtube Uggs Metallica!

Flight Attendant: Sir we can’t land in Yuma!  I have sworn duty as a flight attendant to fly these people back to San Diego!  Get me emergency instructions for Sheen Amazon Netflix, Netflix OMG Whiskey or we are Sheen Handjob Ikea Twitter in the water!

Tower: You’re talking my language.  Switch to your Bieber channel,  Squawk 7700.

Flight Attendant: Done.  If you get me through this I’ll take you out for Double Rainbow Redbox Ikea Nexflix Katy Perry Sheen and if you’re lucky we might have Sheen Eminem Xbox.

Tower: Facebook Uggs Coors Light Katy Perry Youtube Eminem Amazon Handjob!

*No changes were made to Whiskey