Fat Ducks

Every time it rains the ducks come to my house.  The utility easement floods a little and makes kind of a pond that attracts the ducks.  There are two ducks that fly into my backyard for a bath, but more importantly to feast on the seeds thrown out of the feeder by the smaller birds. Ducks’ webbed feed can’t wrap around the little sticks on the feeder.

Ducks also can’t fit on the feeder because they are too fat.  Ducks are too fat because they eat too much.  The female duck that lands at my house is fat because she won’t stop eating.  Her weak-kneed husband’s will is no match for his wife’s insatiable desire to feed.

The husband duck stands sentry while his mess-of-a-wife gobbles down duck bill after duck bill of seed, mulch, fertilizer, and bugs.  The male duck never eats anything.  He patiently waits until they hear a noise or the neighbor dog starts to chase them.  He’s a good man, but needs to stand up for himself.  They usually get a good 30 minutes of uninterrupted feeding.  Sometimes the male sounds the alarm only to realize the noise is his wife banging her head against the feeder pole in order to dispense more food.

I can only imagine their daily conversations go like this:

Male: Such a wonderful day for flying.  With the wind beneath our wings we can go anywhere our hearts desire.

Female: MMMMM.  I’M HUNGRY!

Male: Uh, why we just ate moments ago.

Female: LETS GO BACK TO THAT ONE HOUSE! WITH THE FOOD!

Male: My dear, have you already digested the salamander I spent so much time –

Female: OH THERE IT IS! THE FOOD HOUSE! LOOK OUT OTHER BIRDS! HERE I COME!

Male: Uhg.

I didn’t know that ducks ate bird seeds.  I found out that birds are omnivorous which means they really prefer people food.  Now, when I see the ducks come, I search the fridge for the things that they really want to eat.  They get steaks, chicken wings, dinner rolls and butter, loaded baked potatoes, cheese dip, nachos, tacos, and french fries.  A real American meal.  I even take the time to set souffle cups of ranch dressing (fat girl ketchup) for dipping the fries and wings.  It’s so funny to watch the duck dip its little bill into the ranch dressing with a hunk of chicken wing hanging out of her mouth, buffalo sauce covering her cheeks.

Oh yeah, the male still won’t eat any of the “omnivore” food.  I’m starting to think that the male duck isn’t a real man.  I went out and tried to high five him and I threw a football to him but he ran away like a girl!  We (the female duck and I) convinced him to throw the football back but he couldn’t even throw a spiral.  What a sissy!  The female duck and I just laughed at him while he hung his head in shame.  She told him to wait in the utility easement pond while she finished feeding.  What a lame duck.

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Credit Card Wife Watch

When credit cards first came out, women were not allowed to use them on their own.  If a woman was found trying to use a credit card without her husband’s knowledge, a savvy shop owner would phone the husband to obtain permission.  Some husbands would even write on the signature line: CALL HUSBAND, underscored by the phone number to his office.

When the shop owner would call, the husband would have to drop his cigar and put down the stack of money he was counting.  The conversation would go something like this:

“Hello, Mr Henderson.  I have your wife detained here at Sears attempting to make a purchase using a bank credit card.”

“You have got to be kidding me.  Is she buying another vacuum cleaner?”

“I’m afraid so, yes sir.”

“Tell her she had better put it back and buy a cheap frying pan instead because I’m going to pound her in the face with the old one.”

“Yes sir!  I’ll release her back in your kitchen in no time.”

We waited until after we got married to combine our finances.  We’ve had a few short talks here and there on what kind of purchases we need to discuss, what constitutes a “large” purchase, and what we shouldn’t worry about as we go about our own business. So far it’s going fine, but we have a few more things to do before becoming a strong financial team.

One new leap in the trust game was adding her to my credit card.  I do not expect her to go crazy buying things (because I am more likely to do that) but extending the control of a block of credit that I’ve always had complete control of and allowing her shared access was not as simple as ordering another card.  It takes a small leap of faith.  Sharing finances and credit involves a mental exercise in trust of each other, but usually necessary and done by most couples. For us it was not a problem and has become a welcome change.

Well, I was pleased to find that there is a technology that takes the trust variable right out of the marriage equation.  It puts the balance back on the Man’s side.  The credit card companies have brought the 1950’s back to the 2010’s with the introduction of a new program called Wife Watch.  I no longer have to trust my wife to make sound purchases when I can simply watch her every move.

With Wife Watch, you will get an alert on your smart phone (or an archaic text message if you prefer) every time your wife tries to make a purchase using your hard earned money via your debit or credit card.  Your phone screen will pop up with a merchant name, total price, and two buttons for you to answer APPROVE or DECLINE.  You can also view an itemized receipt from participating member merchants while you consider your options.  With an approval the order goes through without a hitch.

The system will give you 5 minutes to answer while she taps her toes and the store keeper silently makes a bet if she is going to be denied or not.  You may let the pressure build if you believe a line is forming behind her or she’s otherwise hurried.  She knows she can’t call, pleading for your approval, because it might time out your phone display and she might have to scan everything again.  Besides, you told her not to call when MEN are making decisions.

As the pressure builds, if she believes your finger may be hovering over the DECLINE button, she is permitted to begin returning items on the purchase.  You will instantly feel relief when you see that total price going down.  Then it’s up to you if you still want to sadistically scrub the purchase.

You can even put a ban on certain merchants such as Bed Bath and Beyond, the Grocery Store, or the Beauty Salon.

Wife Watch can also be used for your unscrupulous teenagers. Sorry Jimmy.  I’m afraid you won’t be viewing Dunstin Checks In 2 with your friends tonight. It’s simply too scary.

You’re busy with your life and you don’t have time to put so much effort into trusting your spouse.  Let technology remove that burden.  Wife Watch is available for iPhone and Android 2.1+ devices.