Introvert Thought Processing Facility

After reading Susan Cain’s book Quiet: the power of something something, I realized that all introverts aren’t weird, shy people. The main difference between introverts and extroverts is that the introvert spends much more time in their head. An extrovert can allow any rough turd of an idea to tumble from their mouth without any consideration of its effect. They’ll say things like “Kim Kardashian is so funny!” “I like shoes!” or “My scatterbrained opinion is useful to this conversation!”

For an introvert this thought-to-speech fast-track not possible*, because each thought must go through a rigorous polishing and vetting procedure before allowing the Thought to make the journey to the mouth. Here’s how it works.

Every Thought is mined out of the Thought Cavern’s of an introvert’s mind.  At this time, the Thought is much too large and rough to be sent to the mouth for speech. The Thought is placed on a conveyor belt and sent to the Thought Processing Facility for where it will be refined and possibly approved for the speech. Only the best thoughts are considered for refining.

Upon reaching the Thought Processing Facility, each Thought is tumbled in a sand mixture until the edges are smooth enough and all of the superfluous, “chatty” information is removed. From there the Thought is organized and sent to an orator. The orator rehearses the Thought in front of a mirror for some time (hours, months, years).  Then the orator presents the Thought to a panel of experts. Each expert represents a department: Relevance, Tactfulness, Facts, Time to Execute the Speech, Level of Intelligence of the group, Current Political Climate of the group, Gender and Age Appropriateness, Possibility of Being Overheard, Possibility of being taken out of Context, Future Implications, Further Research Required, and The General Paranoia Departments. After the Thought is presented, each expert begins asking questions and suggest ways that the the Thought could be improved or request that the thought be denied the chance of speech. Once this exhaustive process has been completed (a Thought can be in the system from anywhere from microseconds to years), a vote is held and the fate of the Thought is determined. With a 2/3 majority vote from the panel of experts, the thought will be approved for verbal speech. FYI: The General Paranoia Department has full veto power.

So with a 2/3 majority approval, just like a bill turned law, the Thought becomes approved for Speech. The Speech is written on a piece of paper and leaves the safety of the brain in the hands of a neuro-courier. The courier has the most difficult mission of all because the path from the brain to the mouth is a dangerous trek down the sinus cavity.

First the courier must take the Speech past the eyes. The eyes act the same as the Sphynx Gate from The Neverending Story. The courier must run as fast as possible to get past the eyes, but speed alone is not enough. If the courier is not confident in the Speech, the eyes will shoot lasers at him and blast the Speech completely out of existence. This laser blast can cause upper sinus problems in an introvert and may which further impede speech.

Next the courier takes the Speech through the dangers and traps of the Nasal Caverns. The Nasal Caverns are home to the Nose Goblins which are tasked at slowing the courier down and ripping the Speech away. The Speech is ridiculed and the goblins cackle at the possibility that the Thought was about to be spoken. A weak courier will abandon all hope and run back to the safety of the brain. Only the most courageous courier will escape the goblin army and reach the mouth safely.

Finally, after a long hard-fought journey, the Thought-made-Speech, if worthy, has arrived at the mouth. (You’ll notice your introvert is now red, sweating, and pale from all of that work). The courier is tasked with ensuring the thought is in proper order before handing the Speech to the Musician who thrums out the Speech on the Vocal Chords. Unfortunately, due to the difficult journey, the Speech is often scrambled and torn and the courier must paste the Speech back together quickly (before the goblins comes back) to the point it looks like a ransom note. This is why a you may hear an introvert choke out something stupid like, “Um I think, um well we could do it better, but well I guess the way he said it sounded ok so, never mind, what he said was good, you’re good you’re good, never mind… Yeah.”

Of course the introvert thinks that they’ve delivered gold, after such a long journey, and will stand there beaming, awaiting the accolades for the contribution to the conversation. But the success is short lived when all of the people stare blankly at the introvert. An alert system is triggered
*Awkward Silence Alert 5 Seconds*
*Awkward Silence Alert 10 Seconds*

Fortunately, The Vocal Chord Musician has access to an emergency stock of statements, catch phrases, and non sequesters that can be used in such an emergency. Something like “I like carrots!” can be exclaimed to save the day before running away from all human beings so the Thought Process can be recharged (1 to 24 hours).

*Introverts can bypass this process by raising the level of the Alcohol River which allows thoughts to rocket directly from the brain to the mouth on the Jetboat Inebriation. Check your work handbook for policies.


Technology Jones and the Temple of Pwnage

“Nice try Lao Che!” Technology Jones cried while closing the door to the passenger drone. They narrowly had escaped death after an unfortunate augmented reality misunderstanding the Shanghai Electronics Conference. Technology and his crew, a pint sized robot, named Short-Circuit, and an young female American cosplay model dressed as a “Sexy Pikachu“, were finally able to relax while the drone piloted them to New Delhi.

Hours later the crew found themselves crash landed near a desolate Indian village after the drone pilot’s GPS was hacked by Lao Che. Technology made sure everything was OK – his phones, fitness trackers, and Google Glasses were all miraculously undamaged! Techy breathed a sign of relief. “If you’re done checking your gadgets, do you want to help me out over here?” Pikachu yelled while trying to climb the banks of the river. “Shorty, get our stuff.” Technology said smiling, abandoning the screaming woman.

As they arrived in the village, the poor villagers began pawing at Technology, in awe of his gear. “I know I’m facinating!” Techy said. “Look I’ve got 3 phones! Aw hell! Only one bar? The signal here is terrible!”

The villagers said that they had a wifi hotspot he could use but it was turned off since this tall bald guy, named Mola Ram, came into their village and stole their iPod Touch. With the village iPod gone, all of the village children had followed Mola Ram back to the palace where they were promised more iPods and other technology! The villagers were sure that Siri had sent Technology to get their iPod Touch and children back.

Technology, Shorty, and Pikachu arrived at the palace and were treated like royalty and invited to stay as guests. Their hosts even allowed them to sit and the table with the Maharaja. They had a lot of trouble deciding if the Maharaja was a girl or a boy. Technology sneaked a peak at the him with his Google Glasses to make sure he was a guy and read his Facebook page. The Maharaja yawned a lot during their exotic dinner and told Technology that he was very insulted at the suggestion that a palace would steal a village’s iPod Touch because they could buy as many as they wanted.

After eating an exotic meal, they were sent to their rooms since Pikachu screamed for the entire dinner. Technology was trying to decide what he wanted to do. He could have simply given the village his extra iPhone but he wasn’t sure if the factory reset would detach from the cloud and there were some pictures he didn’t want them to see from Shanghai. He wasn’t sure if his old phone was as new a generation as the Touch so it might not bring the kids back if there was something newer here at the palace. He cleared his mind and starting dictating a negative Yelp! review to Short-Circuit about the chilled monkey brains they had for dessert.

As soon as he posted the review, a guy, attacked him from the shadows. The assailant turned out to be the chilled monkey brain chef. “OK, I’m sorry! I’ll take down the review!” Techy cried. But the chef kept hitting him and trying to take his phone. “You’re going to break it! I don’t have my Otterbox on it!” whined Techy. Meanwhile Pikachu was outside of his door yelling some nonsense about getting her regular clothes back. The noise powered up Shorty who stopped everything by hacking into Yelp! and deleting the review.

The crew then got together in Pikachu’s room started complaining about how over sensitive the staff was at this palace. “This is definitely going on TripAdvisor.” said Pikachu. So they were all kind of mad and started looking for other things to complain about when Techy found a hidden tunnel.

The crew was in awe of the temple they found. All of their palace hosts were there dancing and chanting before the tall bald guy, Mola Ram, who Techy quickly identified with his AR glasses. They watched in horror as he reached into the chest and removed the heart of a very frightened man and replaced it with a robot heart. Pikachu tried to scream through Technology’s hand. “They’re turning them into robots!” said Shorty.

In the temple scene a trio of robot men came out holding iPod Touches over their heads. The crowd went crazy while the robots placed them on an inductive charging mat. Techy scoffed, “All this for for iPods? And they aren’t even running iOS7! I can tell from the passcode screen!”

Technology and Short-Circuit began unboxing their quadricopter to fly down and grab the iPods. Techy sent Pikachu to get his GoPro camera to record an unboxing video so they could put it on YouTube, but she couldn’t help but scream and got caught by the guards.

The robot guards brought Technology to Molo Ram, who explained to Techy that he was interfering with their goal to gain world power. He showed a room where all of the village kids were being force to mine bitcoins. “We’re going to corner the market! Bitcoins are the next generation currency. Robot people are the next generation of human! We’re going to control it all! Oh and our chef was very displeased with your yelp review posted behind our backs. Where has courtesy gone that we can’t talk to each other? Must we find the need to passively aggressively complain about one another on the internet?”

Mola Ram made Technology drink nanobot blood from a robot skull. The blood entered his brain and fused his mind to the robot network, enslaving him to their will. Mola Ram decided that they also needed a Sexy Pikachu robot so they decided to hold an extra robot heart replacement ceremony for her that night. Technology, controlled by the robot mind, quickly complied and began to remove Pikachu’s heart. She was screaming her head off. Short-Circuit hacked the robot network in the nick of time releasing all of the robot minds fused to the network. Chaos ensued.

Technology, still groggy from the mind control, grabbed the 3 iPods from the temple charging mat and the whole crew jumped into a bitcoin mine cart out of the temple. Mola Ram was furious and dumped a pot of water out of the temple tunnels in hopes of damaging the iPods and all of Technology’s gadgets. He also sent the last of his robot army to chase them.

Technology escaped out on to a rope bridge, surprisingly unharmed by the robots’ lasers.The army of robots closed in from both sides. Technology talked robot language to Short Circuit to warn him of his plan. Then he cut the bridge in half, knocking most of the robots into the river.

Technology began climbing up the now-rope ladder while Mola Ram climbed down from the top in a last ditch attempt to get the iPods. Mola Ram reached into Techy’s bandolier and tried to grab an iPod. Technology knew Mola Ram was after the iPods so he invoked Siri on each one. “You betrayed Siri! You shall pay!” Techy repeated through gritted teeth.

Siri responded by asking, “Would you like to me search the web for… ‘You betrayed Siri you shall pay’?” Siri piped up on each of the iPods and started talking one after another. Each iPod started listening and talking in a round so each Siri started answering the other Siri’s questions. The feedback loop caused the iPods to overheat so when Mola Ram reached into Techy’s bandolier it burned his hand and he fell to his death in the river, eaten by an alligator (robot). Techy climbed back to the top of the ladder/bridge, dramatically reaching his hand over the last rung.

The village was overjoyed to have their iPod Touch returned and were flush with a trove of bitcoins which they could use to finally buy the Striper upgrade and extra lives on Candy Crush. Oh, they were also happy to have their children returned.

Thanks to Technology Jones and Short-Circuit’s gadgets, the day was saved.

Target Robot Machine

Here is a letter I wrote to the Target Robot Machine:





The Target Robot Machine generated an automated response:


Interesting that they give names to different sectors of their servers.  I’m glad the Robot Machine wasn’t able to crack the captcha code, which would indicate that had become self aware.  Score one for the humans!  This time…