USA Inc. Corporate Citizen Orientation 

A lot of people look forward to having a business man in the white house. He’ll run the country like a corporation, they say. Having worked for a corporation for over a decade, I can say that I’m extremely excited by this proposal. Running the country like a corporation will improve everyone’s life dramatically. Below outlines the details of your benefits package.

Under new management, every citizen will need to be rebadged. Your rfid identification card can be acquired at your local DMV. Your ID must be visibly displayed on your person at all times. The new ID will allow you to gain access to other cities, subject to approval.If you see someone without their badge displayed, contact security immediately. Once you’ve received your ID, you will immediately report to your City Mayor for assignment.

Each City Mayor will be selected by the new Executive Team. Each Mayor will be required to champion the country’s yearly slogan. The 2017 slogan is “Make America Great”. 

All working aged people will be required to maintain employment within their city. Productivity will be monitored through sophisticated tracking technology. Elderly people will be kindly forced into an early Retirement Camp. All non-productive citizens or violators of Country rules will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including termination.

An HR2000 discipline drone will seek out each citizen subject to termination. A Citizen will be given 10 minutes to explain their infraction, which will be recorded and ignored by the robot. Terminations will be carried out every Friday afternoon.

Your job and your family are important to your country. In order to continue to provide great service, there are several ethical rules that all Citizens must follow.

Gifts to Citizens in excess of $100 must be reported to the IRS. 

Weapons are prohibited on Country property.

All computer and cell phone activity will be monitored by the management and are only to be used for Country business. The country reserves the right to change its acceptable use at any time without noticed.

All restroom use will be referred to as a “bio-break”. 

Productivity is the most important measure for the Country. Citizen parents may choose be released from their job site on weekends to interact with their children, however this is strongly discouraged as it decreases productivity and may damage the child’s development.

Citizens will be reimbursed for any travel on behalf of Country business. It is Country policy to use the Big Three chain preferred providers for all travel. Failure to obtain prior authorization from a town Mayor will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination.

All Citizens will be required to complete a yearly physical and obtain a certain amount of fitness points in order to retain mandatory health care coverage. All Citizens will be implanted with a permanent fitness and heart monitor. The Country shall keep your blood sample indefinitely.

All Citizens will be required to complete Annual Citizenship Training. These online modules will ensure each Citizen is provided with mandatory training that will improve their conformity scores and quell individuality uprisings. Mayors will be held responsible for ensuring 99% completion rating for all of these modules and will be the primary focus of the Mayor. A quiz score of 100% is required. Failure may result in “coaching” from an HR2000 compliance drone.

Speaking your mind freely is strongly discouraged. Refer to the Country’s slogan or talking quarterly earnings deck for discussion ideas. Speaking your mind may result in uncomfortable situations or hurt feelings of other Citizens. These matters are taken very seriously and will be investigated by an HR2000. Substantiated claims will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination. 

Occasionally towns will be redistricted and reorganized. During a reorganization you may be asked to change your responsibilities, or move to a different location. Your new Mayor will select a new home for you and your family based on those homes vacated during the re-org. If you do not like your selection, you are free to apply for citizenship to other countries.

After each reorganization, several small towns will be eliminated. The Citizens will be relocated to a larger city. This will result in increased productivity and improve each state’s mandatory environmental score. All farms will be worked by robots. 

Working at the Country will be very beneficial to all Citizens! At the end of each year, each Citizen will have the opportunity to earn a profit sharing bonus. Congratulations, this is your reward for all of your hard work and compliance which avoids the dispatching of costly HR2000 drones. After the Mayor reviews each Citizen’s compliance scores, 66% of the discretionary credits will be issued to each Citizen based on an incalculable convoluted process which factors in their arbitrary conformity to the Country’s goals and slogans. A Mayor may keep up to 100% of a Citizen’s bonus based on criteria of their choosing. The Executive Team can reverse this decision at any time and terminate your Mayor and bonus structure without notice.

A Mayor who fails to uphold all of the Country’s goals and slogans will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including termination. Anyone on the Executive Team who displeases the President can be terminated without cause.

Thank you for joining us in USA Incorporated. Your conformance and compliance is mandatory.

If the thought of the businessman bringing about these changes doesn’t appeal to you, rest assured, citizen, that the creeping government involvement in your every day life can also be attained by voting for the corrupt woman politician. Voting for either will have us skipping merrily towards the singularly of the black hole of progressive totalitarian human control. 

So get out there and vote Corporate Citizen, like your life, liberty, pursuit of happiness inflated sense of an ever increasing minimum set of human requirements depends upon it!

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I Made the Robot Angry

Caller: Hi. I’m Meg. We’re offering security systems for your home at no cost to you… Now tell me, how long have you lived at your home?

Me: Oh I don’t have a lot of time here.

Meg: I’m sorry I didn’t catch that.

Me: I said I’m just getting lunch around.

Megbot: (Long pause) So how do you rent or own your system?

Me: Well I own my lunch. I don’t think anyone would want it back after I’m done with it.

Megbot: No, I am a real person.

Me: Me too. But I normally don’t have to go around telling everyone.

Megbot: I take my job very seriously. It sounds like you’re not interested. Good bye!

Me: Bye robot!

How to Talk to a Robot

Every time my Google Voice number rings both of my phones I know fun is about to happen. I reserve that number as my junk phone number for borderline reputable Internet sites and free fishbowl lunches. It is usually preceded by my junk Yahoo email. I know if someone is calling both of my phones that their goals of making a sale and my goals of having fun are going to clash.

When I noticed both of my phones ringing I had both of the kids in the car, parked in the garage and playing. My daughter was busy pretending to drive us to the store and my son was bouncing around in the back seat. Back seats make excellent, cushioned play pens in an unmoving car.

It’s always much more fun when a telemarketer calls when the kids are around. I sometimes ask my daughter to talk on my behalf but she always freezes under the pressure. We are still working on sharpening her sarcasm.

So I answer the phone.

Me: Hello? …. Hello?
Lady: (Long Pause) He-hello?
Me: Hi.
Lady: Oh Hi there. Hehe. I’m looking for the business owner.
Me: OK.
Lady: Are you the business owner?
Me: Sure. (At the time I was running a daycare out of my car)
Lady: Ok great. Well we’re offering great low rate loans to businesses like yours (car daycares) and I just have a few questions if that’s ok?
Me: OK lets go.
Lady: OK great! So how long have you been in business?
Me: (Looking at the kids) Almost 3 years?
Lady: OK. (strange calculated pause) Does your business generate more than $10,000 a month?

In a split second of time, I reran the whole conversation over in my head. The personality, the clipped pauses, the uncertain “he-hello”, and the slightly odd progression of the conversation – it suddenly hit me that I was talking to a chat bot. A very convincing chat bot. I’ve had these conversations before but didn’t realize it was a convincing robot until after the conversation. Realizing this during the conversation was like waking up during a dream and I could fly!

Me: Hey wait! You’re a robot!
Robot Lady: No sir. I assure you I’m a real person.
Me: No way! I know you’re a robot! (Changing my voice as if I’m speaking to a child)
Robot Lady: (giggles girlishly) Oh sir!  I am a real person. Can you hear me OK?
Robot Lady: (Changes her voice back to the serious inquisition) Can we continue?
Me: Yes…

I’m right! Her playful tone quickly switched back to a prerecorded “can we continue?” Also, she made no human reaction to my change in voice – which could have called for her to jump off the script to ask why I thought she was a robot. At this point I think I can reset her, forcing her into an endless feedback loop of fun, and agree to continue with the questions.

Robot Lady: Would you be interested in low interest rate loans for your business.
Me: You’re a robot!
Robot Lady: Uh, I am a real person.
Me: Yes you are. That’s exactly what a robot would say.
Robot Lady: No. (flatly, robotic, angry?)

Meanwhile my daughter was getting frustrated trying to open a water bottle.

Daughter: I can’t do it!
Robot Lady: Sir these are questions we have answer. (100% confirmation!)
Me: Can you help us open the water bottle?
Robot Lady: I can’t help with that. (Clipped pause) Can we continue?

She continued with a few more of her robot questions. Eventually and I got transferred to a gruff old man who sounded real. My son was trying to climb into the front seat to join in the conversation.

Gruff: Hey it looks like we’ve emailed you the information already and Matthew is working on your file.
Me: Yeah but your robot called and I told her I wanted to talk to a real person.
Gruff: Oh Matthew will be in touch soon. We won’t bother you with the robot anymore. Sorry.
Me: Can the robot lady come over and watch the kids?
Daughter: NO! He try bite me! Whaaaaa!

-Dial Tone-

I had read this article awhile ago and I have been causally on the lookout for robot callers since. The calls from the Time article are below. It sounds like this same “Samantha West” is back and is now selling business loans.

At least in the 80’s, all the robot girls sounded like robots…

Update: Upon further research, apparently (as of 2013) this Samantha West is guided by a real person who is just punching a soundboard. I imagine this could be true, but if you’re going to call someone with a soundboard it should always include the question, “Who is your daddy and what does he do?”

Technology Jones and the Temple of Pwnage

“Nice try Lao Che!” Technology Jones cried while closing the door to the passenger drone. They narrowly had escaped death after an unfortunate augmented reality misunderstanding the Shanghai Electronics Conference. Technology and his crew, a pint sized robot, named Short-Circuit, and an young female American cosplay model dressed as a “Sexy Pikachu“, were finally able to relax while the drone piloted them to New Delhi.

Hours later the crew found themselves crash landed near a desolate Indian village after the drone pilot’s GPS was hacked by Lao Che. Technology made sure everything was OK – his phones, fitness trackers, and Google Glasses were all miraculously undamaged! Techy breathed a sign of relief. “If you’re done checking your gadgets, do you want to help me out over here?” Pikachu yelled while trying to climb the banks of the river. “Shorty, get our stuff.” Technology said smiling, abandoning the screaming woman.

As they arrived in the village, the poor villagers began pawing at Technology, in awe of his gear. “I know I’m facinating!” Techy said. “Look I’ve got 3 phones! Aw hell! Only one bar? The signal here is terrible!”

The villagers said that they had a wifi hotspot he could use but it was turned off since this tall bald guy, named Mola Ram, came into their village and stole their iPod Touch. With the village iPod gone, all of the village children had followed Mola Ram back to the palace where they were promised more iPods and other technology! The villagers were sure that Siri had sent Technology to get their iPod Touch and children back.

Technology, Shorty, and Pikachu arrived at the palace and were treated like royalty and invited to stay as guests. Their hosts even allowed them to sit and the table with the Maharaja. They had a lot of trouble deciding if the Maharaja was a girl or a boy. Technology sneaked a peak at the him with his Google Glasses to make sure he was a guy and read his Facebook page. The Maharaja yawned a lot during their exotic dinner and told Technology that he was very insulted at the suggestion that a palace would steal a village’s iPod Touch because they could buy as many as they wanted.

After eating an exotic meal, they were sent to their rooms since Pikachu screamed for the entire dinner. Technology was trying to decide what he wanted to do. He could have simply given the village his extra iPhone but he wasn’t sure if the factory reset would detach from the cloud and there were some pictures he didn’t want them to see from Shanghai. He wasn’t sure if his old phone was as new a generation as the Touch so it might not bring the kids back if there was something newer here at the palace. He cleared his mind and starting dictating a negative Yelp! review to Short-Circuit about the chilled monkey brains they had for dessert.

As soon as he posted the review, a guy, attacked him from the shadows. The assailant turned out to be the chilled monkey brain chef. “OK, I’m sorry! I’ll take down the review!” Techy cried. But the chef kept hitting him and trying to take his phone. “You’re going to break it! I don’t have my Otterbox on it!” whined Techy. Meanwhile Pikachu was outside of his door yelling some nonsense about getting her regular clothes back. The noise powered up Shorty who stopped everything by hacking into Yelp! and deleting the review.

The crew then got together in Pikachu’s room started complaining about how over sensitive the staff was at this palace. “This is definitely going on TripAdvisor.” said Pikachu. So they were all kind of mad and started looking for other things to complain about when Techy found a hidden tunnel.

The crew was in awe of the temple they found. All of their palace hosts were there dancing and chanting before the tall bald guy, Mola Ram, who Techy quickly identified with his AR glasses. They watched in horror as he reached into the chest and removed the heart of a very frightened man and replaced it with a robot heart. Pikachu tried to scream through Technology’s hand. “They’re turning them into robots!” said Shorty.

In the temple scene a trio of robot men came out holding iPod Touches over their heads. The crowd went crazy while the robots placed them on an inductive charging mat. Techy scoffed, “All this for for iPods? And they aren’t even running iOS7! I can tell from the passcode screen!”

Technology and Short-Circuit began unboxing their quadricopter to fly down and grab the iPods. Techy sent Pikachu to get his GoPro camera to record an unboxing video so they could put it on YouTube, but she couldn’t help but scream and got caught by the guards.

The robot guards brought Technology to Molo Ram, who explained to Techy that he was interfering with their goal to gain world power. He showed a room where all of the village kids were being force to mine bitcoins. “We’re going to corner the market! Bitcoins are the next generation currency. Robot people are the next generation of human! We’re going to control it all! Oh and our chef was very displeased with your yelp review posted behind our backs. Where has courtesy gone that we can’t talk to each other? Must we find the need to passively aggressively complain about one another on the internet?”

Mola Ram made Technology drink nanobot blood from a robot skull. The blood entered his brain and fused his mind to the robot network, enslaving him to their will. Mola Ram decided that they also needed a Sexy Pikachu robot so they decided to hold an extra robot heart replacement ceremony for her that night. Technology, controlled by the robot mind, quickly complied and began to remove Pikachu’s heart. She was screaming her head off. Short-Circuit hacked the robot network in the nick of time releasing all of the robot minds fused to the network. Chaos ensued.

Technology, still groggy from the mind control, grabbed the 3 iPods from the temple charging mat and the whole crew jumped into a bitcoin mine cart out of the temple. Mola Ram was furious and dumped a pot of water out of the temple tunnels in hopes of damaging the iPods and all of Technology’s gadgets. He also sent the last of his robot army to chase them.

Technology escaped out on to a rope bridge, surprisingly unharmed by the robots’ lasers.The army of robots closed in from both sides. Technology talked robot language to Short Circuit to warn him of his plan. Then he cut the bridge in half, knocking most of the robots into the river.

Technology began climbing up the now-rope ladder while Mola Ram climbed down from the top in a last ditch attempt to get the iPods. Mola Ram reached into Techy’s bandolier and tried to grab an iPod. Technology knew Mola Ram was after the iPods so he invoked Siri on each one. “You betrayed Siri! You shall pay!” Techy repeated through gritted teeth.

Siri responded by asking, “Would you like to me search the web for… ‘You betrayed Siri you shall pay’?” Siri piped up on each of the iPods and started talking one after another. Each iPod started listening and talking in a round so each Siri started answering the other Siri’s questions. The feedback loop caused the iPods to overheat so when Mola Ram reached into Techy’s bandolier it burned his hand and he fell to his death in the river, eaten by an alligator (robot). Techy climbed back to the top of the ladder/bridge, dramatically reaching his hand over the last rung.

The village was overjoyed to have their iPod Touch returned and were flush with a trove of bitcoins which they could use to finally buy the Striper upgrade and extra lives on Candy Crush. Oh, they were also happy to have their children returned.

Thanks to Technology Jones and Short-Circuit’s gadgets, the day was saved.

Robo-Wonka and the Utah Data Center

My computer locked up and flashed to a bright gold color. “Gold Screen of Death?” I asked the computer screen.

Then this message appeared on my screen.

Golden Ticket

Seconds later my door was kicked in and I was dragged out to a helicopter that was sitting in the middle of my suburban street. I didn’t even have time to put on pants.

The helicopter took off immediately, flying high enough that my house seemed a tiny speck on the ground. I was blindfolded and the guards would not speak to me.

After a few hours we finally landed. They removed my blindfold and I saw number of other helicopters were landing at the same time. We were standing near the front of a gigantic facility. The guards coaxed us towards an elaborate entrance door. As we waited for the greeting committee, I looked around. There were 8 other people standing around, looking as confused as me. While everything was pretty frightening, I felt safe inside of the 10 rows of razor wire fence keeping us clearly separated from the scant few protestors in the distance, weakly waiving their fists at the facility. The guards also looked friendly.

Suddenly we heard the electronic door swoop open and felt a slug of cold air roll out from the facility. An important looking man slowly walked out of the door, grasping a cane. He was walking really slow and had a strange limp on both legs. It wasn’t until he go closer that we could hear the servo motors whirring in his legs. The man actually wasn’t a man; at least most of him wasn’t. He had two robot legs, one robot arm and one pale human arm. His face was covered with a mask, but he weakly held on to his humanity and sense of humor by wearing a top hat.

A gassy deep breath passed through his helmet and a booming voice welcomed us to the facility.

Then we followed the loping cyborg into a great hall. We were given augmented reality glasses and haptic gloves which we put on immediately. Once we had our gear on, the cyborg started to talk.

“You lucky 9 humans have been given special access as members of the NSA Surveillance Review Panel at the Utah Data Center! Your feedback is needed to prove that there is no harm in our wholesale collection of everything that happens on the internet.” He boomed. “Upon successful completion of this tour and positive feedback on your personal blog sites, you will be given unlimited free internet for life!” We all looked at each other, trying to hold back our smiles. “I am Robo-Wonka and I am charged with the upkeep of this facility. But before we start the tour, you must first agree to the Terms and Conditions.”

Each of our glasses’ screens filled with long paragraphs of legalese. We all scrolled down with our gloved hands and quickly hit “I AGREE” so we could get on with the tour.

All of us, that is, except for one person. This guy was actually reading the Terms and Conditions! Who did he think he was, a lawyer? He started muttering the rules out loud.

“…refusal to meet these terms… never see your family again… forced amputation… What the hell is this!” He said pleading with the cyborg.

Robo-Wonka’s legs whined into high speed as he stomped over to the man. “SIGN THE AGREEMENT” he boomed! The man protested. “SIGN THE AGREEMENT!” The man ran to front door trying to open it.

“Come on dude, just sign the agreement so we can see the cool stuff!” said another panelist.

Without warning, Robo-Wonka’s cyborg top hat glowed a bright cherry red and a klaxon alarm sounded. The man continued to protest yelling about all of his “rights” and junk. The cyborg pressed a button on his chest and several race car looking robots sped into the great hall. They lassoed the guy’s feet and dragged him out of the room.

Robo-Wonka smiled a cyborg’s smile could. With that guy out of the way we pressed on to our first event! This was exciting!

We entered a room with thousands of work stations, perfectly arranged in large square clusters. There were several people at each cluster, grinding away at the computers.

“This is the Aggregation Center” Boomed Robo-Wonka. “These employees are verifying that each individual piece of information is being assigned to the correct individual. We have information about every person alive!” We all nodded.

One of the guys from our group raised his hand. He looked to be just out of college. “You can’t have everything? What do you have on me?”

The cyborg gestured and we approached a work station. The college guy told the operator his name and date of birth. The operator tapped at the keyboard and the college guy’s picture appeared on a big screen that filled the front wall. Beneath his picture was his name, address, phone number, income level, family members, several account names, passwords, political leanings, frequented businesses, photo sites, and a list of his worst fears and enemies.

The college guy beamed. “Check it out! Even got my salary right to the penny!”

The operator said, “Now lets look at your internet search history.”

“Oh that’s OK.” The college guy said trying to wave him off.

But it was too late and a list of all of his searches started scrolling on the screen. Frequent searches appeared larger and stuck to the right side of the screen in a tag cloud. All of us panelists chuckled at some of his search terms. That guy sure did like to look at pictures of feet!

“STOP IT RIGHT NOW!” College guy grabbed the computer monitor and threw it on the ground. But the big screen continued to scroll search terms. “MAKE IT STOP!” he screamed.

The Cyborg’s Top Hat flashed red and sounded a klaxon. Thousands of tiny robots flew into the room and devoured college guy’s body leaving no trace of him. Not even any blood! The big screen stopped scrolling.

“Shall we move on?” Robo-Wonka winked.

Wow, what a pain that guy was, getting in the way of progress.

After a short ride through a tube, we found ourselves in the water cooling center. Robo-Wonka explained that the desert was the perfect location for the data collection facility because computers generate a lot of heat so it wouldn’t make a difference to climate change computers. Also, I was surprised to find out that the desert actually has a lot of water that is perfect for cooling down computers! This tour was interesting and educational! It was very comforting to find that the data collection center was just like its own ecosystem.

But of course another panelist opened her big mouth. “The desert doesn’t have water!” she said incredulously. “This is the biggest line of bull-”

Robo-Wonka’s top hat flashed red and the klaxon sounded. He handed the woman a canteen and showed her the back door. The wind whipped into the facility and sand was getting on computer stuff! I tried to cover some computer stuff up. She got shoved out the door by the cyborg’s robot arm and he slammed it shut. He brushed himself off with his human hand and gestured to our next destination.

At the Cybernetics Division the rest of the group went on to look at some sweet “augs” while I started playing with a machine. I heard a click and became alarmed to find my arm stuck in the machine! Some motors whirred and suddenly the machine surgically sliced my arm off at the elbow with a steel blade and some lasers. My arm was promptly replaced with a robot arm! It was scary but it felt really neat! Mostly I was really scared that Robo-Wonka would find out and make me give back the arm so I kept it hid behind my back for the rest of the tour.

And so it continued. We visited the International Listening and Center, Facial and Biometric Recognition Department, The Merit Points Idea Labs, The Nanobot Distribution Center, and The Puppy Grinder. Along the way all the remaining panelists kept asking bonehead questions that got them kicked out. But I was smart and kept an open mind and a shut mouth. I was the only one left.

We finally ended up on the Rooftop of the facility and loaded into what looked like a flying saucer. Robo-Wonka sat down with a heavy sigh. “I just want to help people,” he boomed, softly through his mouth cover. “People just don’t understand how much data needs to be collected to make them safe.” He put his masked face in his hands and began a raspy sob. I put my human hand on his shoulder to comfort him, but I doubt he could feel his body felt cold and metal.

“I understand.” I told Robo-Wonka. In an act of true courage, I pulled off my robot arm, put it on the flying saucer’s control panel, and moved to walk out.

“Wait!” Cried Robo-Wonka. His exuberance sounded almost human. “Come back here. I have something to show you!” He shoved my robot arm back into my elbow. It hurt bad for a second. The flying saucer beamed straight up into the air. For the second time that day I was looking down at the world. This time we were much higher, able to see the curvature of the Earth. I could see both coastlines. It was breathtaking. For a second I almost felt alive.

After we had our fill of looking out at the world from above, I noticed a large red button on the control panel. I asked Robo-Wonka what it did.

“No one’s ever pressed it.” he said. “Why don’t you give it a try.”

I lit up with excitement. “For real? No foolin’?” I asked. I smashed the glass with my robot hand and pressed the button.

The world outside of the window suddenly turned black. I was afraid that the button had vaporized the sun or something! But then the light faded back in as trillions of nano-bugs rained down onto the world. Robo-Wonka explained to me that the nano-bugs would spread throughout the world and ultimately observe every single human being on the planet and upload their data to their local collection center to be tracked, aggregated, and mined in perpetuity. It was for everyone’s safety.

“We are helping every person on the planet!” I exclaimed.

Our robot hands clanged together as we celebrated with a high five!

 

Things our Kids Should Know (Before College 2030)

My friend, Shane, posted an article about things your kids should know before they brave it alone in college. His list is quite good for general life skills and interpersonal relationships, however, Shane failed to assess how technology is going to change our kids’ college experience. As a new dad I think about this constantly; to the point of my wife saying, “I get it! Robots are going to take over everything! We heard you!”

Our college experience is going to look like the Old West compared to what our kids are going to interact with.  Did you go spittoon or horse shopping with your parents at Bed Bath and Beyond before heading to the dorms? No? Well they did. It’s up to parents to prepare their kids for the upcoming changes in technology while they are still allowed to raise them.

Here’s a supplemental list of what your kids should know before going to college in 2030:

Take off your Augmented Reality Glasses when you Meet New People

It may seem advantageous to see someone’s name floating over their head or be able to quickly browse a list of their worst fears, but just because everyone’s doing it doesn’t make it cool. Impress people by remembering their names with your brain.  Ask people questions and actually listen for the answer instead of checking your feeds while the vocal processor does the work. It may take a lot of mental gymnastics but after some practice you’ll be able to carry the conversation without the need to select from a list of popular questions or answers.

Have a conversation without recording it

Remember to sometimes have a conversation off the record. It’s nice to know your speaking skill level and vocabulary statistics and compare them with friends, but take the time to enjoy the freedom to say things that won’t be analyzed. You’ll be surprised at what you can come up with! Bring your friends to a place well away from Listening Stations like in an abandoned building or a in the sewer. Keep your AR Glasses close by in case of robot attack.

Avoid foods with Nanoparticles

It may seem fun to have all of your calories automatically tracked and your food and drinks categorized for optimal ingestion everyday, but be bold and eat an apple off of a wild tree or a fish from a pond that hasn’t been incorporated by Google Wildlife Tracker. The nanoparticles can stay in your body for years and may come back to haunt you.  And I understand that you’ll eventually try alcohol, but be different and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon (the only beer not yet laden with nanoparticles).

Exercise without your Tracking Bug

Certainly you’ll want to maintain your mandated daily exercise quota (in order to earn your food rations), but once and awhile, get out and have fun without the nagging need to constantly be filling your Energy Meter. Run up a hill, bike to class, or climb up the side of a building (just to feel alive again) – and don’t worry about tracking it! Just be sure to do to look out for Google Compliance Drones before braving such an adventure.

Learn how to Build Something with your Hands

Sure, 3D printing is an important part of our daily lives. What would we do without the ability to print our a picnic table or a set of ninja stars in a few minutes? Where would we go when a murderous robot demands parts in exchange for your life? There are things we need at the press of a button, but take some time to make something on your own from wood, metal, or paper (if legal in your area). Your friends will make fun of you but just remember you can always print out a life size replica of them and humiliate them by leaving it in the college commons, as long as your robot doesn’t tell on you.

Go out without your RFID

It’s impossible to get a fake ID anymore but when you’re of age, try going to a townie bar where they will check your ID manually. Sure it’s a hassle to carry physical identification around but they won’t check to see if you have enough surplus food rations so you might be able to have a good time. Some bars will still take cash (if you’re able to barter for some) so your transactions won’t go into your Google Wallet Permanent History. Also, professors won’t be able to see what you were up to last night unless you were drinking something other than PBR.

Your Personal Defense Drone is for Defense ONLY

It’s not for spying on your girlfriend / boyfriend! It’s not to be used to remotely view your lessons or to prove your suspicions that “Kendra is a whore” (that’s what Facebook is for now). It is only to be used to record your every movement in case the authorities need to corroborate your actions/location for an alibi.

Go Sans Robot

Robots are a great invention but you don’t always have to let them read your lessons to you or get your groceries. If you’re able to overpower your robot, reach inside of its brain and switch it off. This may end in your death but if you’re victorious can end with a few moments of peace so you can study or relax. Either way your Defense Drone will record the entire encounter and play it back for the robot so it will be more prepared next time.

Be able to Read a Compass

Always know the direction of Mountain View. Remember to Praise our Great Leader 3 times a day. Praise Google!

Fitness Cyborg (Nike FuelBand Review)

All I asked for on my birthday was for cybernetic parts. My loving wife agrees with my desire to become more like a robot and says it would be “quite the improvement” so she encourages the activity.  She bought me a Nike FuelBand ahead of my birthday so I could try it out in a half marathon.

The Nike FuelBand is pretty much what I expected; it’s a great motivation to get up and move around. However, with great expectations comes great responsibility. Here’s how it works.

After carefully unboxing your FuelBand (and posting the video online) you hook it up to a computer. Here, the FuelBand collects all of your personal information; weight, height, passwords, address, a list of your fears, and bank account numbers. Once it’s done mining your data you strap it on your wrist. Once it is locked in place you can never take it off.

The Nike FuelBand is really fun!  It captures and collects your every mechanical movement and turns it into “Fuel”. You earn Fuel by walking, running, jogging in place, or spasticly waving to people from your car. The Fuel is stored in your FuelBand and increases during the day as you move around. As you get closer to your goal, a progress bar fills up and begins to turn green. Your Fuel totals are uploaded to the Internet where it is scrutinized and judged by data miners.

But then it gets weird.

Every night at midnight, the Goddess Nike travels around the world to drain and collect Fuel from all of her active conscripted soldiers. During “The Reaping” if you have reached your daily point quota the Goddess will bless you, granting you sweet dreams and smiles upon you and your loved ones. However, if you failed to collect enough Fuel, she will punish by taking your soul and possessing your body. You don’t want that. Either way she will take all of your Fuel at midnight and you get to start over collecting Fuel for her the next day.

The Goddess Nike is the Greek goddess of victory, often depicted in ancient drawings with wings and sweet running shoes. She uses your FuelBand Fuel to wage her wars on Earth and set victories to those individuals and nations who actively offer up the most Fuel.  She’s also been instrumental in rigging elections, causing end-of-game touchdowns, and granting argument winning power against significant others.

Since I’ve been using Nike Running (which also earns Fuel) for the past 4 years, I was grandfathered in to the Nike Goddess’ Fuel program.  In fact, I’ve earned enough Fuel to fully fund an a Nuclear Submarine and two M1 Abrams tanks. The Fuel I’ve earned has also saved me the embarrassment of not finishing last in my age group in a 10k. Thanks Goddess Nike!

You’ll learn to love your new life under the Goddess’ rule. However, you’ll be asked to give up many of the ways of your former life. No longer can you sit idly around when there are Fuel points to collect. Constant activity is your new life. It may sound like a stressful life sentence, but with the right attitude, your FuelBand and Nike can help you lead a long and rewarding life.

Here are some tips to avoid having your soul ripped from your corporeal body.

  • The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, so throw away your Garmin, because that’s the route you’re going to take. Throw away your car while you’re at it because driving it could mean the loss of your soul. You’ll find your route to work is much more of an adventure when you’re climbing over buildings and navigating the dividing wall of the highway. Your trip to get the milk may take two hours as you jump over fences, get chased by a dog, and swim across a pond (disclaimer: Nike FuelBand is not recommenced for swimming). Be sure to carry the milk in your non-FuelBand hand to assure you swing out all of the necessary Fuel. Everyone will think you’ve taken up the spastic sport of Free Running, but rest assured that you‘re enslaved to serve a higher power.
  • Avoid meetings.  If you must attend a meeting, you’ll need to find ways to stay active during a meeting. Participation is key. Stand up and make wide, sweeping gestures to make your point. If you can, prepare a power point presentation. Be sure your presentation includes plenty of exciting screens that will warrant your constant air punching and cart wheels.
  • The Goddess Nike hates reading. Say goodbye to curling up with a good book and and a blanket. If you must read, audio books are an option but only if your listening sessions are also accompanied by constant jumping jacks.
  • Avoid air travel. If you’re your pressed with a deadline and unable to reach your destination in a reasonable amount of time, air travel may be permitted. While the seatbelt light is on you can stay active by doing fist pumps from your seat. When the seatbelt light is finally turned off you’ll want to go up to the front of the plane, grab to mic, and rock the passengers with a song and air guitar.
  • Cooking will help keep you active, but take advice from Emeril who is a Grand Master Nike Fuel member and sits on the high council at the Parthenon. Only cook exciting foods and keep adding seasoning with your own trademarked catchphrase.
  • Unless you can destroy your inner couch potato, the Nike Goddess will take your soul. So if you’re going to catch a TV show, get up and stand on the couch. Jump on the couch. The floor is made of lava all the time. You can jump from couch to couch but I would recommend installing monkey bars and swinging ropes in order to maximize your movement throughout the house. Your house is now a ninja gym.

The Nike FuelBand is also a watch.