What They’re Not Telling You About Health Care

Last weekend in Chicago we were out on a corner trying to find Giordano’s. My friend was being verbally pigeonholed by a homeless guy.  When my phone GPS picked up, I shouted to my friend that I had found the way and hoped to save him from the harassment!  The homeless guy knew what i was doing and targeted me for his attack.

“Hey man!” He charged towards me.  “Maybe you can help me! I need a couple buck to get a cab to find my sister’s body.” He shouted at me in a distinctive raspy voice.

“Sorry I can’t help you.” His sister’s body?!

We started walking.

“Hey, don’t treat me like a dog here!  I’m talking to you and you treating me like a dog! I know you got a couple bucks to spare.  Stop doggin’ me man!” He was walking sideways now and getting in my face.

I stopped, stared him down and said very directly, “If I was treating you like a dog, I’d be stooped down and petting you on the head, while my other hand checked your collar to find a phone number to return you to your owner.  Somehow I don’t think that would go over very well…”

With that, he gave up and moved on.. in search of his sister’s body.

Some days I wish I were homeless. True freedom would be life without a house payment, utility bills, excise tax, income tax, social security tax, doing tax returns, buying gasoline, paying for tolls, going to work, etc… When you’re homeless it’s just you against the world and when you wake up in the street the potential to do anything is only limited by how far your feet will take you, and locked doors. The only tax you really have to pay is the sales tax on the liquor that you buy to celebrate finding your sister’s body!

Which apparently was what was happening.

The next morning – St Patrick’s Saturday – we were buying some alcohol at the liquor store.  While we were checking out the same homeless guy walked in, forwarded by his distinctive raspy voice. He was greeted by warm welcomes from the employees. They knew him by name! I didn’t want him to recognize me as the dog man so I ducked my head under my festive green fedora.

Then he said, “Hey!”

I didn’t look up.

He said, “Hey man!”

Of course he recognizes me.  I looked up. (He was tall)

“I like your hat.” He said with a smile.

I told him thanks and offered to buy his 6-pack of Bud.  (I didn’t want to give him money last night because I was afraid he would waste it on food.)

The alarming thing to the “Health Care” law is that every US citizen human being is now going to be required to carry health insurance, even if you don’t want it.  To some people that might not seem like such a big deal, but how many other things are required for citizenship?  You don’t actually have to have a social security number unless you want a bank account or a job – both are a pain!  As a man, you do have to register for Selective Service at 18, but you can easily slip through the cracks if you choose to live on the streets.  Some people compare it to the car insurance requirement, but if you don’t have a car, you don’t buy insurance ahead of time in hopes that one day you do own a car!

Health care is being pushed on everyone with a physical body like car insurance is required for a car.  Everyone has a body; even homeless people.  It appears that the only way to avoid health care is to somehow shed human form.  But how can you do that?

Can you leave your body by practicing transcendental meditation?  When the IRS comes swarming your temple for not paying your health premiums you will be blissfully free in the ethereal plane.  The problem with meditation is that you have to eventually eat.  When you stop chanting, the IRS agents will see you materialize on the pink meditation pillow and arrest you for not paying your bills.

Animals aren’t going to be required to buy health insurance!  I learned from Tim Allen in The Shaggy Dog that if you’re bitten by the sacred Khyi-yag-po dog that you will be able to turn yourself into a dog!  If this is your draft dodge of choice, you’ll want to be sure to train yourself like Pavlov to begin your salivation when you hear a knock on the door.  Practice by having someone knock on the door and squint real hard to try to turn into a dog each time you hear a knock.

You’ll be glad you did, because when the IRS come, their knocking will trigger your inner dog transformation.  When they break down the door and start shouting and aiming their shotguns, you will run up and start licking the agents in the face! (MAKE SURE THE TRANSFORMATION IS COMPLETE) Everyone loves man’s best friend.  The IRS will leave satisfied that a dog owns your home and you can go on living your health-insurance-free life as a half-man, half-dog, crazy person.

As a bonus you will be given rights that humans don’t have like not having to wear clothes and getting to go to the bathroom on the sidewalk! People will pet you on the head and hand you treats.  Your only real fear will be from the evil dog catchers!

Maybe, raspy homeless man, I was paying you a compliment by treating you like a dog.  You are truly free.